WASHINGTON D.C.: The long-awaited Second Coming of Christ occured last week and went largely unnoticed. This is apparently because it ended much as the First Coming did: with the arrest, torture and execution of Christ.
"We confirm that a suspect known as Jesus Christ was detained and interrogated under provisions of the USA Patriot Act." stated Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff. "Christ, who also went by the aliases Son of Man, Jesus of Nazareth and the Messiah, was brought to our attention by reliable informants, whose identities must obviously remain secret, but whose testimony was invaluable in identifying Christ as an enemy combatant. I'm also informed that Christ is currently non-viable as a result of unintentional injuries arising from said interrogation. Thank you and God bless America."
What could have led to the Second Crucifixion? A government official, speaking on condition of anonymity [or as he put it, "Mention my name, and we'll bury you right next to Jimmy Hoffa!"] told the story. "We had this Jesus Christ character spotted the minute he stepped off the plane in New York. Middle Eastern male, early 30s, unmarried, active in a fringe religious cult - he fit the terrorist profile perfectly.
"So I ran Jesus' name through the computer to see if he had any priors. Bingo - arrested and convicted in Judea in March of 33, for subversive activities and undermining the government. Real bad boy. Also picked up for destroying private property, after overturning money-lenders' tables in a temple. At the time he said that money-making 'defiled the temple', showing clear Communist sympathies. So I called the FBI and had them put a tail on Jesus."
FBI agent Clyde Tolson took it from there. "I put Christ on the no-fly list so he'd be easier to follow. He took a Greyhound to Detroit, a city long known as a center of Muslim activities. Another red flag. While there he associated with known criminals, especially prostitutes and persons known to bear grudges against authority.
"By this time the FBI had obtained a copy of Christ's manifesto, called 'The New Testament' by his associates. We thought reading it would give us a feel for this guy. It did. On the page marked Matthew 10:34 Christ said, 'Think not that I came to bring peace on Earth. I came to bring not peace, but a sword.' Jackpot! I radioed to all surveillance units, 'Violent intent confirmed. He's obviously planning another 9/11. Grab him - NOW!"
"The arrest went without incident. I then called the FBI's consultant on religious extremists, Reverend Fred Phelps, who runs the website www.godhatesfags.com. Rev. Phelps told me: 'This Jesus Christ is definitely a fag. He never married, has no known involvements with women, and has frequent orgies with his all-male fan club, which start with Jesus saying to his boy-toys 'Take, eat, this is my body.' A man asking 12 other men to eat his body? That makes me wanna puke! And he even flaunts his faggotry by wearing a dress! Clearly, this Jesus queer needs to die.' I thanked the Reverend for his input."
The questioning was conducted by FBI Director Robert Mueller, who noted "The suspect, Christ, was uncooperative and evasive during questioning. Every time I asked him if he was supporting terrorism, he'd just answer 'Thou sayest it'. This could only mean he was hiding something. If he wasn't a criminal he'd have said so.
"But then Christ got careless. He gave himself away as a supporter of terrorism with this statement: 'Love your enemies.' At this point we thought it best to inform the President about the Christ situation and get authorization to use enhanced interrogation techniques."
President Bush's response was: "What's this guy's name? Jesus? So he's Hispanic, then. Oh, there's just one thing - his name is pronounced 'Hey-SOOS', not 'JEE-sus'. I speak Spanish, you know. Well then, like most spics he's probably a Democrat, which means he hates the troops and wants to cut-and-run so the terrorists will follow us home. All Democrats do. Go ahead and do what you think is right, Bob."
"We followed standard procedure by suspending the suspect Christ by his hands and attaching the electrodes. I demanded the names of his fellow terrorist cell members. He gave 12 names but they were obviously all fake. Rapidly losing my patience, I said 'Don't fuck with me! You expect me to believe Arabs have names like Peter, Matthew, John and Thomas? And I KNOW there's gotta be more than 12 of you!' Unfortunately my aide, agent Bill, then made the little mistake of administering 220 Amperes instead of 220 volts, and the questioning ended a little earlier than expected. As did the suspect. But at least we prevented another 9/11!"
Director Mueller sums up: "Like all religious fanatics, Christ was defiant to the end. And it's clear he was deliberately trying to piss us off. Like with that last thing he said: 'Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do.' Bull-fucking-shit! We're professionals! We knew EXACTLY what we were doing!"