HILLSDALE, MICHIGAN- Citing a recent spike in Americans driving while under the influence of alcohol the Bush Administration has introduced new legislation requiring impaired drivers to follow a speed limit twenty miles per hour above what is currently posted.
As explained by Tony Snow, Press Secretary to the White House: "It seems obvious to anyone that understands the situation. We want impaired drivers off the road as quickly as possible."
Snow then cited further evidence, "When speed limits are raised you see a decrease in the amount of gasoline consumed simply by car owners arriving at their destinations in a quicker and more timely manner."
When asked if other restrictions would be lifted allowing drunk Americans more freedoms on the road. Snow quipped, "Well, you pay taxes on both sides [of the road] why shouldn't you be able to drive where you want?"
Secretary of Transportation Mary Peters brought the point further home while speaking at Hillsdale College in Hillsdale, Michigan. "The means that law enforcement has for enforcing and detecting drivers under the influence is archaic at best. The cost to update the current system is, quite frankly, far too vast for us to pass along to the American tax payer."
Secretary Peters went on to show an elaborate PowerPoint presentation including several impressive looking graphs. Most notable was the amount of drivers driving impaired after midnight compared to those sober on the road.
With a wry grin on her face she announced to the crowd, "The proof is in the pudding. These numbers show there is no enforceable way for us to continue down this road. Those who consume beverages containing alcohol have the God given right to drive too."
Local drunk of Hillsdale, Carter McSwansroy, when informed of this information said, "I don't even own [a] car but I may have to pick one up. Then I'll just need to get a house to drive home too."
Hillary Dudman, area member of the nationwide watchdog group PArtY KILLers, was quick to point out, "This might not be the best of ideas and we're going to need a lot more information before we agree to this."
The bill is expected to be pushed through the Bush controlled Democratic House as early as next month and be up for debate in the Senate shortly thereafter.