Written by Jill The Shill
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Tuesday, 28 August 2007

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Dick Growing in Popularity

A recent survey revealed that most Republicans still support Dick Cheney as Vice-President, while George Bush's poll numbers have apparently gone flaccid. In fact, Cheney's approval numbers continue to remain rock solid despite a spat of spectacular sex scandals rocking the GOP. The most recent surrounds Republican Senator Larry Craig's arrest in a men's airport bathroom. While potentially incriminating on the surface, the Idaho Senator offers a turgid alibi for his behavior, which apparently wasn't fear of flying.

Denying that tapping his right foot, blocking the stall door with his luggage and grabbing the undercover officer's leg was a signal to engage in lewd behavior, Craig suggested that he was merely asking for "toilet paper". Later providing the arresting officer with a business card that identified him as a senator, Craig does admit that telling the officer, "Excuse me while I whip this out," may have been a little suggestive in a men's room setting.

Senator Craig's encounter is only the latest in a daisy-chain of events placing prominent Republicans in the dim spot-light of public toliets. Florida Republican Bob Allen is said to have offered sex to a black, undercover officer in a park restroom because he didn't "trust him". As if that excuse and $20 isn't bizarre enough, Allen also sponsored a bill to crack down on soliciting sex in public parks. If you read between the lines, it's apparent that Allen is an advocate of just giving it away, rendering the need to solicit a moot point. As for the $20, that apparently was for stimulating the local economy.

When you add other prominent Republicans like Representative Mark Foley and evangelical Ted Haggard to the strange brew of recently fallen, staunchly anti-gay politicians, you discover the one thing they all have in common: they all like Dick. Sure, Cheney probably appreciates the support and a variation on the old "I Like Ike" buttons might garner special interest attention. But without the comic genius of Karl Rove, it's going to be tough to parlay the virtual transformation of the GOP into the "Gay Old Party". Only Rove could exploit the biggest piece of political parody since Dave Chappelle portrayed a blind Klan leader who didn't know he was black.

"There are only two ways to fix this satirical situation," snickered, Bill Clinton's former political strategist James Carville. "Hand jobs to your critics and keep the jerks off the news." Clinton himself could not be reached for comment as he was reportedly, "Reorganizing his collection of chubby-chaser jokes from the mid 90's."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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