Written by Ed E. Druckman
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Monday, 27 August 2007

image for Alberto Gonzales To Be Replaced By Magic Eight Ball

Washington, D.C. - It was the start of a momentous week in the nation's capital when first Attorney General Alberto Gonzales agreed to step down after coming under increasing scrutiny by both parties in Congress for his firing of U.S. attorneys in 2006, and it promises to be no less of a roller coaster ride still open but way overdue for inspection.

Today, President Bush announced he plans to nominate a Magic Eight Ball, yes, the novelty item that alleges to make, "impartial, Solomon like decisions", as the new Attorney General. A gathering of reporters was no less calmed when the President added, "Now don't you get all worried. It's not going to be made in China. It's going to be made right here in the USA."

It's a move that has even the White House's staunchest critics are unable to attack it, as is evidenced by New York State Senator and member of the Senate Judiciary Committee Charles "Chuck" Schumer. "I wanted the President to nominate someone we could work with. But this? This is. Well…I mean…what does he want to do again?" The other Senator from New York, Hillary Clinton, took time out from her campaigning to simply state her reaction, "Outcome unlikely." While Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has his own thoughts, "I always knew Alberto Gonzales was not the right man for the job, but at least he wasn't a novelty item."

However, despite the gathering criticism, the President is unyielding. "With regards to the Magic Eight Ball being confirmed as the next Attorney General, I'd say 'we will stay the course', but that didn't work out too good in Iraq. So I'll simply consult the candidate in question." The President then produced a Magic Eight Ball, asking it, 'Magic Eight Ball, will you be the next Attorney General?' The answer the President alleges was, "Mr. President, a little respect, please address me as 'Attorney General Magic Eight Ball.'"

Rumors that former Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove would be brought on to ensure the Magic Eight Ball's confirmation by Congress were not confirmed or denied by the White House and repeated calls to his new office, the second table by the buffet at the New York City gentlemen's club Scores, have not been returned. However, Dick Cheney upon hearing the news grabbed his chest saying, "Oh no…not again."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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