Written by Robert W. Armijo
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Topics: Sex, Old People

Saturday, 25 August 2007

image for Elderly staying sexually active is the number one cause of hip-joint replacements, knee injuries and denture stains, study claims
The elderly getting it on just like the rest of us. You go grandma! You go grandpa!

South Beach, Florida - A study reports that elderly people are staying sexually active well into their 60's, 70's, 80's and beyond what God, Mother Nature or their bodies intended. Although no doubt keeping the elderly mentally vibrant and spry, unfortunately, the extra curricular activity has taken its toll resulting a number of injuries to senior citizens that physicians and care providers previously attributed to the onset of advanced years, but no more.

"It's incredible," said Geriatrics specialist, Thomas Martinez. "I never would have thought for a second, nor would let mind do so if I tried, that the injuries I was treating all these years in my elderly patients was due to their having sex, and with each other, too. It just freaks me out just thinking about, and I'm a trained medical professional."

Chief among the most common injuries sustained to the elderly frail bodies: blunt trauma to the pelvis and/or hip displacement, abrasions to the knees and denture stains (sometimes lost or misplaced when left behind at the other's retirement home).

Moreover, physicians caution that with this newest data changes will have to be made to the labeling of pharmaceuticals products the elderly consume to ensure their safety.

Some of the new warnings the label may include:


Warning: This medication must be taken on an empty stomach and not during or after a candle lit dinner; during the operation of any machinery, or while boinking Mrs. Robinson, as it may result in loss (revocation) of your driver license, eventual heart break (heart failure) and/or an out of body experience (dementia).


"It is encouraging to know that we all have something to look forward to when we retire," said Helen Monster of the American Geriatrics Institute. "You know something beside taking care of the grandkids or watching the grass grow."

According to the report, an additional drawback, beside the aforementioned, in having geriatric sex: virginal dryness, trouble achieving and maintaining an erection, while simultaneously remaining conscious.

"Yeah, that's probably where all those fall injuries are coming from," said Dr. Martinez "Sometimes during sex one or both of the sexual active elderly partners suddenly fall asleep, resulting in all those unaccounted for scraps and bruises. Even resulting in one or both falling onto the floor and not being able to get up"

"But we have to have to conduct a clinical study of a couple and video tape them to confirm the hypotheses," continued Dr. Martinez. "Only no one on my staff wants to volunteer to conduct that overnight study."

Dr. Martinez advises his elderly patients that are sexually active to purchase a medical alert bracelet to inform emergency medical technicians of their availability.

"It's worth the investment," said Daniel Roberts, one of Dr. Martinez's sexually active elderly patients. "It can act as the bling you may need to attract other sexual partners you may have overlooked because of their youthful appearance and your impaired vision, so that way you won't miss out on any hot intergenerational sex that's going on."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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