Today in Annapolis, Maryland, a shocking medical mystery occured. A woman gave birth to a 33-year old man.
"Heidi Signer went into labor at 4:52 a.m." The doctor who delivered the man recounts this odd tale. "The birth was exactly like a normal birth, except in place of a baby, there was a thirty-three year old man."
Mrs. Signer also has no idea how such a phenomenon could have occurred. Her pregnancy was the normal 9 months, she had normal sonograms, and gained the typical 40-60 pounds. "It's a mystery how my son could be 33. Or how he weighs 175 pounds and is 6'3''. I just don't get it." Although she was in tears during the interview, she was willing to continue to talk to us. "Me and my husband were so excited about having our first son. We already have two daughters, and we don't know how to explain to them that their new baby brother is a 33-year old man."
Mr. Signer, at this point in the interview, began to choke up. Solemnly, he says, "I'd looked forward to sending him to little league and teaching him to bat."
The doctors involved in the delivery assure that the newly born 33-year-old is healthy. He's perfectly normal for someone his age, able to dress himself, talk proper English, go to the bathroom, and do taxes. He even chose his own social security number, a privilege no American has ever been given. Then again, no American has ever been born a 33-year-old male.
The parents were given the choice of raising Carl Signer Jr. as if he were a baby or allowing him to enter society as a middle-aged citizen. While they have not yet made a decision (at press time), outside the hospital, groups were already beginning to riot.
"We just think its unethical to have a 38-year old man in kindergarten class," says one pro-let-the-33-year-old-newborn-continue-life-as-a-33-year-old-personist. "His birth certificate will say he's five, but he'll be 38 both mentally and physically. He shouldn't be in class with 5 year old kids."
On the other side, a group of anti-let-the-33-year-old-newborn-continue-life-as-a-33-year-old-personists assembled. "We think it's the parent's right to raise this baby. They had the baby, so they are responsible until its 18. This baby is not 33. He may look and act 33, but age is defined by how many years you have been alive. Who can deny these parents the right to take care of their own infant?"
This debate gives new meaning to the concept of age.