In what some are calling a drastic move to appease the left going into this election season, President Bush has fired Donald Rumsfeld as Secretary of Defense and replaced him with former talk show host and liberal activist Phil Donahue.
Donahue's talk show on CNBC was recently axed by the network after being beaten in the ratings by a test pattern on channel 273.
Donahue's first act as Defense Secretary was a stunning announcement that all bombs and bullets in the possession of the United States would be replaced with flowers. Here is the text of that shocking announcement:
Fellow citizens of the global community, effective immediately I have ordered that the United States military replace all ammunition, including bullets, artillery shells, bombs and any other stuff that blows up, with flowers.
Throughout history, flowers, with all of their beauty, majesty, and of course excellent scent, have stopped more wars than all the ammunition and bombs combined.
How can I justify recalling all bombs and
bullets and replacing them with flowers? The examination of several historical events have led me to this decision.
During the "Corcyra Incident" which triggered the First Peloponnesian War, the Athenians knew they were outnumbered by the Spartan army, and yet they managed to repel them using an early form of flower propulsion.
Spring loaded marigolds fired from an empty toilet paper tube bought them enough time to escape unscathed. The only soldier injured in the incident was Athenian leader Pericles, and that was his fault. His flower gun backfired after he loaded a daisy instead of the required marigold in the tube, severely scratching his cornea.
At the battle of Antietam in 1862, a pacifist band of Union liberals, much like myself, fought fiercely. They were opposed to slavery and the secession of the south, but also thought those steel balls would hurt way too much if people were hit by them, so they shot the tops of dandelions at the oncoming Confederate army. This was known as the "Momma dropped the baby and it's head popped off" thumb-firing propulsion cadence.
They would skillfully use their thumbs to separate the flower portion of the dandelion from the stem portion, propelling it forward at speeds of up to 5 mph just as the saying reached the part where they say "head".
Unfortunately, all 12 soldiers in the liberal pacifist union army were killed rather quickly, but it was the first attempt at flower weaponry on United States soil. It was also the first and only time that leftist college professors took up arms for their country.
English novelist William Makepeace Thackeray put it best. "When I walk with you, I feel as if I had a flower in my buttonhole." Now everyone will have a flower in their buttonhole. Even if it was fired in anger, it will end up looking like a gesture of love.
At the end of an opera, are those flowers being thrown onstage the thankful gestures of a grateful audience, or assassination attempts? We'll never know the difference.
The order for flowers to replace bullets and bombs is effective immediately. On a personal note, I'd like to thank the folks at FTD for all their hard work in delivering so much ammunition to our boys fighting for freedom in Afghanistan and Iraq.
My commanders report that the carnations used by the aptly named "Green Berets" are causing the other side to flee in fear and the "bunker busting" rose bushes the B-52's are performing "carpet shrubbery" with are flushing the Taliban from their caves.
I realize that the use of rose bushes in this conflict may seem rather harsh. Those thorns can cut the skin rather severely, but even knowing that, there's one thing we must always remember, this is war. Terrorists are trying to take our lives and our way of life, and now it's our duty to throw delphiniums at them until they go away.
Remember, your flower garden isn't just for aesthetic pleasure anymore. You're contributing to the defense of this great global community.
May (insert deity of your choosing here, if you choose to worship no deity, skip over this part) bless you, and may (insert deity of your choosing here, if you choose to worship no deity, skip over this part) bless this global community, which also happens to include, but not be subservient to, America!