US and A (The Lantern Staff Writer) - An outbreak of severe hemorrhoids throughout the lower forty-eight states has blindsided National Weather Service forecasters, causing the President to declare a national state of emergency.
Storm chasers from Stony Brook University first encountered the phenomenon when they unintentionally rear-ended a family of five at the intersection of the Long Island Expressway and Ow-My-Ass-Hurts Road.
Relying on top cabinet members, Ben Chad and Vernix Fontanel, President Bush immediately placed civil defense on high alert and established an Anti-S.P.H.I.N.C.T.E.R. (Swelling, Polyps, Hemorrhoids, Itchiness, Needling, Chafing, Tenderness and/or Extreme Redness) Task Force.
As a precaution, he also ordered the country be placed on Threat Condition 'Orange'. No one is quite sure what that means, except that truckloads of badly-needed hemorrhoidal cream are being detained at the Canadian border for additional screening.
Americans are warned to avoid: sitting for prolonged periods of time, leading a sedentary lifestyle, becoming obese, postponing bowel movements, becoming pregnant, and consuming too much alcohol or caffeine. They are encouraged to eat more fiber and to buy plenty of duct tape.