Washington State, northwesternmost of the 48 contiguous United States, had seen better days. Its flagship company, Boeing Aircraft, had moved its headquarters to Chicago. Its sports teams had won only one national championship, and that one 28 years ago. The last State of the State Address consisted mainly of the Governor saying "No, we're not THAT Washington - we're the other one." Even the state slogan "Washington - gateway to Oregon" smacked of desperation.
But today Washington State is finally riding high and standing proud, because of welcome news out of the OTHER Washington. The FBI's Uniform Crime Report, released last week, confirms that the state's serial murderers have claimed more lives than any other state's.
"In the end, it wasn't even close." said FBI director Robert Mueller. "All the other states could claim only one serial murderer, with an average of 7 victims each. But Washington's serial murderers racked up a kill score equal to the next 15 states' serial murderers combined. And we all know who to thank for it!"
"He means me!" chuckled Ted Bundy, in an exclusive interview from Heaven, where he was sent despite his dozens of murders because he became a Christian minutes before his execution [and we all know how THAT works!]. "I'm proud to have paved the way for my beloved Washington, where I dug my first shallow grave. My career took me to other states, sure - Utah. Florida, against which I hold no grudge for electrocuting me. Colorado, which I remember fondly because they let me escape - twice! HA HA HA! No hard feelings, guys!
"But Washington is where I honed my craft, made my name, and lured my first dozen and a half unsuspecting girls into my car. And so I like to think that every serial murderer who followed in my footsteps is a Washington serial murderer in spirit."
Surprisingly, another Washington serial murderer is not on good terms with Bundy. Speaking from the Washington State Prison where he is serving 48 consecutive life terms, Gary Ridgeway, AKA The Green River Killer, said "BUNDY? He's a rank amateur next to me! He killed maybe 30 women, and that's a top-end estimate. I killed twice that many. Literally! There's the 48 I pled guilty to, plus 12 more I confessed to and led the cops to their bodies to keep myself out of The Chair. And Bundy's the one who's a household name? This is seriously pissing me off! Still, I'm willing to work with that asshole for the sake of Washington."
Washington Governor Christine Gregoire hastily called a press conference to discuss the state's new title, saying "Maybe leading the nation in serial murder isn't exactly what we'd prefer to be famous for. But, hey, beggars can't be choosers, and we have to take whatever we can get. So let's hear it: 'WE'RE NUMBER ONE! WE'RE NUMBER ONE!" as the assembled crowd joined in the cheer.
Other states have made feeble attempts to share in Washington's glory. Illinois pointed to its own John Wayne Gacy. But Bundy is contemptuous: "Sure, he had that gimmick of killing boys while dressed up like a clown. Without that he'd be unknown today. But Gacy wasn't even technically a serial murderer, since he killed all his victims in one place, his house. Next!"
Massachusetts cited Albert DeSalvo, "The Boston Strangler". "DeSalvo? Oh, Puh-LEEEZE!" commented Ridgeway. "He only killed 13. We've got Robert Yates, of Yakima, Washington, convicted of the murders of 15 prostitutes, so Massachusetts' best isn't even as good as our third-string! And DeSalvo got caught in 1964, meaning their state hasn't managed to produce a serial murderer in 43 years! That is PA-THET-IC!! Massachusetts, just stop before you embarrass yourself any worse than you already have."
Hearing this, New York decided not to even mention its David "Son of Sam" Berkowitz with his measly 6 murders, leaving Washington to savor its moment in the sun.