NEW YORK (FP) - Martha Stewart was found to be "quilty" on Friday by a jury of her peers completely consisting of homemakers both male and female. She had been charged with blocking out justice and embroidering a patchwork of lies that she tried to sell to the government about why she "recycled" her ImClone stock just before the price got cropped.
The verdict could send her to prison or to one thousand hours of community service at cheesy weekend arts & crafts fairs located on abandoned shopping center parking lots throughout the heartland, and could also cripple the homemaking empire built around her vision of gracious living and creative stock trading ideas.
Her ex-stockbroker, Peter Bacanovic, was not found to be quilty, but rather puffy and fluffed-up like a throw pillow.
Stewart, 62, sort of stoically grimaced and her sequin-like eyes squinched slightly upon hearing the verdict, and she later released a statement maintaining she wasn't quite sure what the verdict meant and promised piecing together an appeal if she figures out whether she needs one or not.
The woman who built a reputation as a steely perfectionist walked out of the courthouse stone-faced after learning that she wasn't steely but rather soft, layered and asymmetrical at times. She was then abducted and driven away in an evil sport utility vehicle as supporters shouted, "A stitch in time saves nine, Martha!"
In a statement on her Web site, Stewart said: "I am obviously confused by the jury's verdict but I continue to take comfort in knowing that I have, at home, a form of needlework in which two layers of fabric on either side of an interlining (batting) are sewn together, usually with a pattern of back or running stitches that hold the layers together, to keep me warm and cozy on those brisk evenings when I'm curled up on the sofa drinking wassail and watching Court TV."