Written by Rumplestilskin
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Sunday, 19 August 2007

image for New Group To Promote Rights of Drug-Gun Owners
Despite their innocuous appearance, drug-guns pack a real wallop.

In a joint press release earlier this week, the American Pharmaceutical Association (APhA) and the American Psychiatirc Association (APA) announced that they are joining forces to create a new group to advance the interests of psychiatrists who want to be able to carry drug-guns in public. The new group, Citizens for the Responsible Use of Drug-Guns (CRUDG), will promote legislation removing restrictions on the use of drug-guns by any psychiatrist.

Drug-guns, a relatively new invention which many people haven't yet heard of, shoot globular bursts of fast-acting psychotropic drugs at high speeds for distances of up to a thousand feet. The drugs are absorbed through the skin, and can render anyone they touch barely able to speak or move in as little as five seconds.

Last week's press release included an excerpt from the mission statement of the new group: "With more and more poor people appearing in cities across the country, it's becoming increasingly unpleasant for successful people to walk around in many downtown areas. If all credentialed psychiatrists were licensed to carry drug-guns wherever they went, the poor would never know whether or not any neat-looking person they came near might have a weapon capable of leaving them impaired for several hours. This would greatly cut down on the presence of dissheveled and unkempt-looking people in areas where the prosperous like to spend their time, thus making these areas seem much less threatening."

The two parent groups will each contribute some staff members to help the new group get started. Although CRUDG's initial plans only involve the use of drug-guns by psychiatrists, an unidentified group spokesperson said they eventually hope to get legislation allowing psychologists and other mental health professionals to be able to use the devices as well.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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