Written by Ken Adrian
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Topics: New York, Security

Saturday, 6 March 2004

Beacon Minimum Security Correctional Facility, New York - Excitement is growing in one of New York State's only all female correctional facilities, as inmates request Martha Stewart as their own special cellmates.

"That b*tch is mine!" says Letisha, a former prostitute doing time for car theft, fraud and a few other 'minor' violent offences "I am going to ro-ck her World!"

While not all of the residents have expressed an interest, many are interested in how the Queen of Homemaking will affect the living quarters.

"I'd like to see her make a flan or puree some sh*t in here!", remarked one jovial client of Beacon's, "Tell you WHAT! I got some nice linen she can press for me every mornin' at around 3:00am."

Ms. Stewart, having been formally found guilty on all charges, is apparently looking forward to the transition.

"As long as I don't get mop duty - e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g should be j-u-s-t- fine." the former CEO of Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia Inc. said in a rare, private interview. "Of course nothing prepares you for this sort of thing, but I figure as long as I can make a rake out of an old umbrella, I can make a shiv out of a tin can."

It's a good thing Martha is so inventive. After all, she's going to need to be VERY creative with her new roomie Bertha Vaginouch who recently won the jail's thematic Bingo game entitled "Who wants a piece of Martha?"

The festivities being once sentencing is confirmed.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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