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Topics: evolution

Saturday, 18 August 2007

image for Intelligent Design Theory challenged by new "Stupid Design" Theory
"You evolved from me - get over it!"

This is not an easy time to be a proponent of Intelligent Design theory {"ID"}. The public remains unconvinced that ID is anything other than creationism. This despite ID scientist Dr. Michael Behe's explaining the difference: "Heck, we IDers dress up in these here cute l'il white lab coats, just like real scientists wear. Originally we bought 'em for a Halloween party, but don't they make us look all scientific and shit? Also, we's way more educated than creationists. Our Ph.D. degrees were mail-ordered from a whole better diploma mill than theirs."

And ID was still reeling from its recent loss in the court case of Kitzmiller vs. Dover. There, the court ruled that not only is Intelligent Design not science, it is a form of mental illness and a halucinogenic drug. In response, IDers simply ignored the court ruling and claimed total victory in the case. "It's an idea we got from the way President Bush is handling the Iraq war." explains Behe.

But now ID faces the most serious challenge to date. And not from evolution, but from their own side: The rise within the religious right of the new theory of "Stupid Design."

"God created us in His own image and likeness. So God must be stupid, because WE are." explained Dr. Albert Einsteinkleinfeinbein of the Center for Stupid Design Reseach. "I mean, how can you look at the human body and not experience the wondrous feeling of 'This is just the most fucked-up piece of shit possible. Whoever designed this walking disaster area must be stupider than a retarded tree slug."

"For example, IDers like to talk a lot about the design of the eye. Fine, let's. The optic nerve passes in front of the retina, not behind it as in the octopus eye, and that creates a blind spot. Obviously the octopus eye was designed by a much smarter God. And then there's cataracts, glaucoma, diabetic blindness, astigmatism, myopia - the stupidity of it all leaves me just shaking my head.

"And what of the appendix? It does absolutely nothing except to just sit there waiting to flair up or burst, and maybe kill you if it's not chopped out in time. Ooooh, that's REALLY intelligent design - I'm being sarcastic here, not that the IDers would pick up on that.

"Right." nods Reverend Heywood Jablowmee. "The whole body is based on cell division, and the cells divide in a way that practically guarantees that sooner or later they'll be cancerous. And by doing nothing but reproducing, the cancer cells destroy the body, and thus themselves. Smart, huh? NOT!!! This design is fucking stupider than shit, people!!! Just as stupid as you are for believing in it!."

"And look at the heart's main artery, the aorta. Right where the blood pressure is greatest, that's exactly where the artery wall is thinnest and weakest! If you tried to deliberately design it to cause a heart attack, you couldn't have done a much better job of it. But that's the point - God DID design it. And very stupidly, too."

"There's hardly a single thing in the human body that couldn't have been designed better by a person of normal intelligence. Which proves our point - God ISN'T of normal intelligence. He's stupid."

"And anyone who thinks otherwise is also stupid. Christ, these IDers think 'The Flintstones' proves that dinosaurs and humans once lived at the same time."

"But 'The Flintstones' DOES prove that!" interjected ID scientist Michael Behe. "It also proves the Earth is flat, and only 6,000 years old! Have you ever actually WATCHED 'The Flintstones'? No you haven't, have you? So that proves it's true, just as the fact that many people have never read the Bible proves IT is true!"

"I rest my case." said Rev. Jablowmee.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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