In a surprising development, First Lady Laura Bush was beheaded last week on the orders of her husband, President George W. Bush. The decapitation was to express the President's displeasure with Mrs. Bush for her never having given birth to a son.
The beheading was carried out in the White House torture chamber, known prior to 9/11 as the Lincoln bedroom. As a gesture of gratitude to our British allies, the President first sought to have Mrs. Bush's head separated from her torso in the Tower of London, long a popular venue for such events. However Prime Minister Brown advised that the Tower was booked solid for beheadings for the next 7 months, and while he might be able to squeeze Mrs. Bush in earlier were there a cancellation, there were no guarantees. Hence the use of local facilities.
A White House insider, speaking on condition of anonymity since he or she doesn't want to get beheaded too, said, "The President has long resented not having a son, but I think what pushed him over the edge was the engagement of his daughter Jenna. For days he's been moping and grumbling that his grandchildren won't have his name, his line will end, his hopes for a dynasty are dashed, that sort of thing. That seems to be what prompted this."
Experts say the practice of government leaders executing wives for birthing only female offspring was once popular, except with said wives. But this is believed to be the first such execution involving a President and First Lady of the United States.
In a brief, terse prepared statement the President said, "I regret that the decision to behead Laura was forced on me. But all throughout history great rulers such as myself have executed wives who mocked them by choosing to bear only daughters. Greatness will not be mocked, and my loins deserved no less than a son.
It gave me no pleasure to see the axe fall on my once-beloved wife's neck. But she brought it on herself. I have displayed the patience of a saint, for indeed I am one, but her shrewish defiance in shitting out only offspring of the wrong sex - Jenna and, uh, the other one - made me look weak and less virile in front of my many enemies. And for that the bitch had to pay with her life. That is all. No questions."
Bush quickly left in silence and Press Secretary Tony Snow took the podium to begin the unenviable task of putting the best spin on all this. He began, "All I'm saying is, give this a chance to work. Let's wait for the report. This beheading might seem questionable, but in the War on Terror we can't afford to leave any options off the table. Thank God we have a President who can 'think outside the box' and is not afraid to try new strategies, like decapitating the First Lady. After all, the cut-and-run America-haters said we'd never find the WMDs in Iraq either, but then we...wait, I didn't say that, OK? I'm sure if Mrs. Bush were still with us, she'd tell us to, uh - never forget 9/11. Yes, that's it! Now that America is fighting for its very life, this is no time to second-guess our president. To do so sends the wrong message to the terrorists. If we express the slightest dismay over the President's beheading his wife, that shows weakness, which will make the terrorists attack us here instead of over there, and...um...we have to stay the course...because if we don't support the troops - I mean, Saddam was even worse...and, uh, that is - we have to remember 9/11. Thank you and God bless America. Questions?"
The long, uncomfortable silence which followed was broken only when a reporter said, "Mr. Snow, most of feel Mrs. Bush got a raw deal. It wasn't her fault she never had a son. Since it's a scientific fact that the sex of a child is determined by the father, not by the mother, then..."
By now Snow's face was flushed and the veins in his neck were visibly throbbing. "You dare speak to me of SCIENCE?" he thundered at the reporter. "I suppose next you'll say evolution really happened? Or that global warming exists? Or that the Earth is more than 6,000 years old? You science fags are the reason 9/11 happened! I declare you an enemy combatant! Guards! Seize this traitor! Take him to Guantanamo!" Burly Secret Service agents tackled the hapless reporter and hauled him away.
The same anonymous White House source previously mentioned explained, "Tony doesn't like people who talk about science. He thinks they're just trying to make him feel stupid. The President is the same way. That's why we don't use the 'S word' here."
After 5 days President Bush broke his silence with this statement:
"One cannot grieve forever, and it is not good for Your Leader to be alone. That's why I have embarked on a search for a new wife. A SUITABLE wife this time.
"The White House is accepting applications from women age 18-28, fair of face and form who hold at least the title of Duchess, with preference given to Princesses of Royal Blood, for my imperial loins deserve no less."
Applicants are asked to supply:
- Face and full-length body photos, the latter both clothed and unclothed.
- Geneology going back to at least 1300 AD, showing no madness or deformities in your direct line.
- Physicians' attestations as to health and fertility.
- DNA test results of blood purity, showing no non-white or non-Christian elements present.
- Dowry of $250,000 [Refunded to unsuccessful applicants.]
Bush finished by saying: "Virginity is mandatory. Do NOT disappoint me on this, as my White House executioner enjoys his work and is gleefully sharpening his axe even as we speak."
Former President Bill Clinton, who like Bush has no son, when asked his reaction to the beheading, said "Don't go giving me any ideas."