ABC Bakers, a subsidiary of Richmond, VA based Interbake Foods, Inc., is coming under fire today, after an inside source revealed that the "Official Girl Scout Cookie Bakers" have been using real girl scouts in their cookies, specifically in their "Thin Mints". Under conditions of anonymity, a former disgruntled employee of Interbake sent a written correspondence to the press which read in part,
Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts have always been somewhat in competition with each other. In the late 1940s, someone noted that the Girl Scout equivalent to the Cub Scout was the Brownie, yet there was no Girl Scout equivalent to the Eagle Scout. This was considered a PR disaster until someone came up with the idea of baking a cookie so highly addictive, no one would ever again presume the Girl Scouts to be inferior to the Boy Scouts.
In a 1-2 punch, they deflected the criticism, and gave the girls who had no place to go after becoming "too old" to be girl scouts, a way to continue their contribution to the organization. These kamikazee girl scouts, upon reaching the age of 14, selflessly volunteered to give their lives to be ground up and used in baking the "Thin Mints", to be listed on the packaging under the second to the last ingredient as "natural and artificial flavors".
The idea originated with a troop leader who had visited a remote African village a few years earlier where they still practiced cannibalism. As the saying goes, when in Rome...so while visiting this tribe, she survived on a diet of mostly human flesh. When she came back to the states to run her daughter's Girl Scout chapter, she found that she was horribly addicted to the flavor of human flesh, and had begun to kill random hobos whenever the cannibalistic urge would come upon her. It was around that time that the criticisms of not having an Eagle Scout counterpart were launched against the organization.
It was the need to do something with the older girls, to give them a purpose after they were too old to be Girl Scouts, and to provide a counterpart to the Eagle Scouts, combined with this crazy troop leader's insatiable urge for human flesh which led them to create what Girl Scout Cookie insiders now refer to jokingly as "Soylent Cookies". The secret ingredient was not only flavorful, plentiful and cheaply acquired, but turned out to be one of the most addictive substances known to mankind. This is why it is nearly impossible to eat just one thin mint...with those things once you eat one, you might as well plan on eating the whole box within a day or two, and now the world knows exactly why that is. Bwooowaaahhhahahhahhaaa.
When confronted by zealous reporters, an Interbake spokesperson confirmed that the story was true, but that it was indeed only the most addictive cookie, the "Thin Mint" which used what had been known as "Secret Ingredient G". Attorneys for Interbake claim that until the late 1990s, they were unaware of what "Secret Ingredient G" was, they would simply receive barrels of it every year at the start of the cookie baking season and use it as directed. It was not until a piece of a merit badge was discovered baked into a cookie which was sold to a Flushing, NY woman in 1998 that Interbake officials became curious about the source of "Secret Ingredient G". Their own internal investigation lasted just over a year and uncovered the shocking truth, but they had signed a contract with the Girl Scouts to bake the cookies until 2008, and as one spokesperson put it, "we weren't going to try to break a contract with any company that would grind up little girls into cookie dough."
The FDA immediately moved to halt the sale of "Thin Mint" Girl Scout cookies, but rescinded their order after the public learned of the intent to bar the sale of any more "Thin Mints". Daryl Johnson, a 400 pound bouncer at a night club in Des Moines, IA had this to say, "I'd sooner be dead than never be able to have another one of them mint Girl Scout Cookies again." The feeling seemed to be mutual amongst almost everyone we asked. Most said that eating people was "a small price to pay in order to eat those delicious mint cookies." But the comments of Sue Prudhomme, a 29 year old crack whore from French Lick, IN seemed to sum it up best, "wass the big deal 'bout eatin' food made from people? Whaddaya think they make they meat from down at the Taco Bell, knawamsayin'?"