Washington, D.C. - Republican Presidential contender, former mayor of New York City, Rudy Giuliani, announced he would put an end to all illegal immigration in the United States if he were elected President by detaining and deporting anyone in America with an ethnically sounding last name. Critics contend the practice will violate the privacy rights of millions of American citizens in the process.
"Giuliani counters he will merely be asking people what are their last names," said a Giuliani campaign spokesman. "What could be the harm in doing that?"
"And there will be no need for a special federal identification card, either," assures Rudy Giuliani.
Not when state id's like driver's licenses or state issued personal identification cards are already available, he added.
"We just have stop reinventing the wheel and use what we already got people," said Giuliani.
Giuliani plans to expand the program once he is office to include other identifying ear markers of illegal aliens, such as: anyone with a check cashing card; rough hands; a look of disenchantment with life; excessive tiredness; money wire transfer receipts to Mexico; a dark complexion (not obtained from a tanning salon or the beach); car radio preset buttons set to all Spanish speaking stations; a lack of a car, credit cards, or human rights or dignity; and everyone who participated in the march for amnesty for illegal aliens or anyone that likes Mexican food.
Giuliani dismisses critics that charge such a practice would violate the Constitution and Bill of Rights of millions of Americans, calling it impractical since America is the melting pot of the world. To which Giuliani responded:
"Look, you can't fool me," said Giuliani. "I grew up in New York City. The [gesturing with two fingers on each hand to make quotation marks] so-called melting pot capital of the freakn' world and when I was a kid, you knew who was from your neighborhood and who wasn't just by lookn' at 'em. And when they opened up their mouth to speak, oh brother, you could tell which part of the Bronx or Hell's Kitchen they was from and you jumped them [physically assaulted them], okay?"
Giuliani intends to take illegal immigration down to the neighborhood level and introduce it to a little street justice.
Giuliani insists his new, "Where's Did You Says You Were From Again?" illegal immigration policy is an extension of the successful Neighborhood Policing and Neighborhood Watch programs millions of Americans are already familiar with and whose success is well established.
"I am just combining the two, together as one," said Giuliani. "That way, each neighborhood will be responsible for cleaning up any ethnics [illegal aliens]. So, every neighborhood in America will look they way they want it to. All nice and happy like, or else."