Washington, DC - President Bush today declared that the United States is an enemy of the United States. The recent revelation that 19,000 AK-47 assault rifles shipped by the Pentagon to the Iraqi Security Forces have disappeared and could be in the hands of insurgent forces killing Americans in Iraq has led the President to take the drastic measure of declaring the United States a state sponsor of terrorism.
"This will not stand!" the President declared during a press conference at the White House today. "These weapons are killing American men and women. It has emboldened our enemies and will further deteriorate conditions in Iraq."
"I have today asked our ambassador to the United Nations to request immediate action by the security council," Bush explained. "However, if sanctions fail, we will pursue a policy of regime change by whatever means necessary."
In addition, the President has instructed the Secretary of the Navy to order the immediate deployment of 6th and 7th Fleets to Atlantic and Pacific coasts of the United States. The 101st Airborne division, based in Fort Benning, Georgia has been mobilized, and Fox News will be issuing Breaking News Alert banners all day today and into tomorrow.
Asked if he was considering the use of nuclear weapons in a pre-emptive strike, the President replied that "all options are on the table".
When asked if the President fully understood the ramifications of his actions, White House spokesman Tony Snow suggested that the President may be a bit confused since the announcement that political advisor Karl Rove will be resigning at the end of the month. "But we're all just playing along for now," he said. "After all, he is the President."