DATELINE: WASHINGTON DC - In a stunning shake-up, President Bush has fired Tony Snow as White House Press Secretary, and replaced him with Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf.
Al-Sahaf, the former Iraqi Minister of Information better known as "Baghdad Bob" and "Comical Ali", became famous in 2003 for broadcasting outlandish and often hilarious statements concerning the progress of the war. Such as:
- "There are no American infidels in Baghdad. Never!"
- "They're not even within 100 miles of Baghdad. They are not in any place. They hold no place in Iraq. This is an illusion ... they are trying to sell to the others an illusion."
- "Their infidels are committing suicide by the hundreds on the gates of Baghdad. Be assured, Baghdad is safe, protected."
- "What they say about a breakthrough in Najaf is completely an illusion. They are sending their warplanes to fly very low in order to have vibrations on these sacred places . . . they are trying to crack the buildings by flying low over them."
- "Today we slaughtered them in the airport. They are out of Saddam International Airport. The force that was in the airport, this force was destroyed."
"Mohammed's my man - he's the perfect press secretary!" enthused President Bush. "Especially now that the surge is getting underway, 'Bob' is uniquely qualified to put the best spin on it. The problem with Tony was, he could never could read through any of his statements about Operation Utterly Necessary Non-Quagmire - that's the new name of this war, and don't you forget it - with a straight face. Especially the one about how these 21,500 new targets, uh, I mean troops are gonna be ones who make them Iraqis finally start throwing flowers at our feet, and this time we really MEAN it. Tony just fell on the floor laughing at that one - doesn't he realize how bad that makes us look?
"But Baghdad Bob, I mean Mohammed - all that bullshit he pumped out, and he never so much as cracked a smile. So I ask you - who's got more experience in lying to the public about how great everything's going in Iraq? NOBODY!"
Al-Sahaf then issued his first statement as press secretary: "I am pleased to announce that America has just won the Iraq war as all 637 million Iraqi insurgents have committed suicide and buried themselves in shallow graves right next to the WMDs they really did have all along. In response the entire Islamic world has now become democratic and pro-American, and converted to Christianity to boot. Exactly as our Dear Leader Bush - all hail his holy name! - predicted. That is all."
A beaming President Bush then added, "See? Is this guy good, or what?"