Vatican, Friday - In a shock announcement made at an impromptu Press Conference this morning the Supreme Pontiff has declared that John Kerry is "Christ reincarnated".
"His Holiness wishes it to be known" said Cardinal Cardinale, the Pope's right hand, "that in his humble opinion John Kerry is the Risen Lord, Twice Risen. And that if anyone disagrees he'll see him outside."
"Listen, boys," the occupant of the Throne of St Peter is said to have told a secret enclave of top RC red-hats earlier this week, "we gotta give dis guy all the help we can. He's a good Catholic boy. Kennedy went and got himself rubbed out, so this is our second chance. Last time around the Supreme Being showed up as a carpenter and hung out wit a load of unemployed tradesman. This time around we can't take no chances."
"If we're gonna rule the world we need nukes - lots of ‘em. Who has nukes? Da Yanks, dat's who. So let's get behind this nice upstanding Vietnam Vet and give him a boost."
John "Christ the King" Kerry was bemused by his sudden elevation. "It must be the first time in history that a third-rate American politician has been promoted to Son of God status - not that I don't deserve it. Just takes a bit of getting used to, is all. Should help my election chances, though."
God was not available for comment.