In a special address to the nation today, President George W. Bush has announced his plan for addressing the economic emergency caused by hyper-inflation of the fiat US dollar and Congress' runaway spending on war and entitlement programs.
Mr. Bush stated that the economic situation in the United States is dire enough to warrant declaring a national emergency. According to recently written Presidential Directives, this declaration has enabled Mr. Bush to take on the role of absolute dictator.
"I've dreamed of this day for years, but I never realized I would be doing it for this reason. My fellow Americans, I had another dream just last night. It was a frightening dream, in which I saw what would happen to our country within a year unless drastic action is taken right now.
"Our economic hemorrhage must be stemmed immediately, or else within a year, the United States will be in the depths of a depression that makes the Great Depression of the 1930s look like a cakewalk.
"I am, therefore, declaring a state of national emergency, and taking on the role of dictator as of this moment. However, as I haven't got the foggiest notion what to do to correct our problems, my sole act as dictator is the appointment of Congressman Ron Paul as my successor."
Mr. Bush went on to say that of all the members of the legislative branch, only Dr. Paul has the depth of understanding of economics to right the ship of state.
"Ron Paul now has full authority to single-handedly enact emergency legislation as he sees fit, and I believe he will be able to bring us back to prosperity within a year. I also believe that before the end of that year, every citizen of the United States will be completely in favor of having Ron Paul remain in the White House for the rest of his life," said Mr. Bush.
In a special briefing to the press following his televised address, Mr. Bush told reporters that he expects Ron Paul to immediately send every member of the Federal Reserve board to the gallows, and to order every member of the US military now stationed out-of-country redeployed to the homeland and stationed wall-to-wall along the US-Mexican border.
Most astonishing to this reporter was seeing Bush break into anguished sobs as he lamented having allowed himself to stray so far from acting in the best interests of the country. He added, "But now, in the end, I know this all happened for the best, because I have complete faith in the ability of Ron Paul to set us on a positive course to peace, prosperity and freedom, as well as giving every American enough insight into the greatness of our wonderful Constitution, that our descendants will never face an emergency like the one we are in today."
Wonders never cease!