Written by SpaceElevator
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Tuesday, 14 August 2007

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Cider: tastes like piss, only better.

Altamont, NY (Times Union Staff Writer) - According to locals here, the only thing sweeter than the upcoming apple harvest and eventual cider-drinking could be the legal showdown currently brewing in the Albany County Supreme Court.

Defendants include Guilderland town board hopefuls Mark Grimm (distant relative of the legendary Brothers Grimm) and Warren Redlich (a political "maverick" who used to play xylophone in the Stanford marching band but now can be found practicing Tai Chi in his basement while listening to the music of Pink Floyd and The Beatles). Both are running as Republicans in this typically Democratic sector of the state.

The pair are being sued for an undisclosed amount by current town board member Michael Ricard (who, when not insulting African-American hecklers at local comedy clubs, prefers to live at his nearby eighty-dollar-per-square-foot 'Neverland Ranch'). Despite once classifying himself as a Republican, Mr. Ricard now despises everything that he once championed.

Some believe that the conflict really began many years ago when Mr. Redlich returned from a period of living overseas in Japan and started defending traffic violators. One particularly memorable case involved a Dutch exchange student by the name of Peter Ten Eyck whom Redlich successfully defended after he became involved in a low-speed chase on the New York State Thruway. Although a highway patrol officer shouted "pullover!" young Ten Eyck had no idea what to do (mistakenly thinking that the officer was referring to a sweater he was wearing). The case was thrown out on the grounds that the youth could not be held accountable for disregarding the officer's vague request.

Tragically, Ten Eyck then ran over Mr. Ricard's prize-winning pet cat the following week.

A ruling on the current town board case by the Albany County Supreme Court (which oddly serves seven counties) is expected later this month, well in advance of the apple harvest.

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