The U.S. military has reversed a long-standing policy and will now allow gays to serve openly in its ranks.
Apparently this policy shift was the accidental result of a typo. The proposal submitted to Defense Secretary Robert Gates was headlined "To allow guys to serve openly in the U.S. military." but the second letter of the third word was mistakenly typed in as "u" instead of the intended "a".
"I got this and said, 'What? They want to let guys in the military? Hasn't that been the policy all along? I can't believe they're wasting my time with this." said Gates. "So I signed it. Only later did I learn it meant to say GAYS, not guys. By then it was too late."
Indeed it was. Homosexuals had already poured into the military like a tidal wave, albeit an unusually artistic and fashion-savvy tidal wave.
"Now the Army has so many gays in it, we've had to give them their own division". reported General Henry Shelton. "It's called the 'Fighting 69th'. They chose that name themselves. Apparently the number 69 has a special significance to gays. It means...well, let's not go there. But now they're here..."
"...we're queer, get used to it!" giggled Sergeant Ben Dover. "That's our new slogan, boyfriend. That and 'Stop the fragging, start the fagging!' 'Fragging' is Army slang; it's what happened to Pat Tillman. So most civilians don't get the joke. But hey, it rhymes!"
The first demand made by the gay troops was for new uniforms, since the old ones were simply beneath contempt and obviously designed by and for people with NOOoooo fashion sense. Soon new and kickier uniforms were seen. Color is only the first change: Air Force uniforms were changed from blue to pink. Army uniforms were changed from green to lavender. Navy uniforms, from khaki to chartreuse.
Marine Corps uniforms have not been changed at all, since the Marines were already dressing like flaming queens anyway.
Entry of gays into the military has not always gone smoothly [Insert your own Vaseline joke here]. "We're still trying to teach the gays gangplank etiquette." says Admiral Mike Mullen. "Like how they're supposed to say 'Permission to come aboard, sir?', not 'Helloooooo, sailor!'. Also, gay sailors tend to giggle uncontrollably whenever they hear the term 'Rear Admiral, Lower Half', but that's an actual Navy rank. Look it up."
But elsewhere gays have already fought in combat with distinction. "The gay soldiers are by far the bravest in Iraq. Their courage in battle against the insurgents is superhuman." says General David Petraeus. "And while I'm not going to stereotype, the reason for the gays' bravery is that they've all got AIDS, so they know they don't have much time to lose anyway."
And in Marine Corp boot camp, lesbian drill instructors are now routinely being assigned to replace male drill instructors. Not one single recruit has yet noticed any difference. Or almost none. "I always thought there was somethin' a little strange about our new D.I., Sergeant Butch Lezbo". recalls recruit Clem Whitetrash. "But I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Like when Sergeant Lezbo said to me, 'Do I threaten your masculinity, Whitetrash?' and I answered "No, Sarge. Do I threaten yours?' Well, for some reason he got madder'n a wet hen over THAT, and made me do 50 pushups. So I ain't brung it up since."
Perhaps the most surprising development of gays in the military was the mass confusion it has caused among the religious right. "Here I was tellin' my congregation to support the troops, and to kill fags." said Reverend Billy Bob Schicklgruber, pastor of the First Church of Christ, National Socialist. "And suddenly the troops ARE fags! So just what the fuck am I supposed to say now?" Indeed, in some areas the conflict between "Kill-the-Fags" Christians and "Support-the-Fags" Christians has erupted into bloodshed, and destroyed entire churches. "Good." commented Christopher Hitchens.
In all, the great experiment of "Out of the Closet, Into the Ranks" must be judged a success. Air Force Colonel Hugh G. Rection says "Sure, we military officers don't approve of homosexuality, since we're mostly Jesus Freaks. But that's the same reason we were never too crazy about HETEROsexuality, either! So nothing much has changed."
Army psychologist Major Sigmund Fraud, M.D., agrees: "I always thought the military was pretty homoerotic anyway. Ever noticed how we call the U.S. military's leaving a given country as "pulling out" of it? Can you get any more Freudian than that? Come to think of it, that IS what we're doing to Iraq.
"That's only the start. From drill sergeants addressing male recruits as 'girls' or 'ladies', to describing rifles in the most phallic terms imaginable, it's the kind of stuff which would seem right at home in the gayest neighborhood in San Francisco. Think: Castro Street.
"And what of Abu Ghraib prison? Why, those photographs offer more and hotter throbbing concrete-cock guy-on-guy triple insertion action than even the porn classic 'Butt-Fuck Chuck Goes Balls-Deep In Trannie Annie, Part IV'... uh, not that I myself would have any knowledge of or interest in that sort of thing. Certainly not. But all this could explain why gays feel so at home in the military." concluded Major Fraud.
And so, gays in the U.S. Military are here to stay. Nowhere is that more evident than in Basra, Iraq, where Captain Bud Fugger leads the troops of the "Fighting 69th" division into combat with the inspiring battle cry: "All right, you silly bitches - let's go do to the insurgents what we do to each other!"