Presidential candidate Tommy Thompson announced last night that he is withdrawing from the race, after a poor showing in Iowa. The former Wisconsin governor and Bush cabinet member cited his embarrassing sixth place finish behind Ron Paul in the Iowa straw poll as "the last straw."
The candidate seemed dejected as he spoke to his dozen or so supporters. Speaking with the New York Times, he said he was hoping for at least a third place finish. When he saw that he had fallen into sixth, behind Ron Paul, he considered suicide. "It's one thing when you lose to the guy in an internet poll," the candidate explained, "but when he gets real people to vote for him the writing is on the wall. It was time for me to go."
He thanked the Times and the rest of the mainstream media for giving him "Tommy Thompson so much coverage," and also thanked poll winner Mitt Romney for paying for a bus ticket back to Wisconsin. He left the interview and crossed the street, with one hand pulling an ugly piece of wheeled luggage and the other carrying a turkey, an appropriate symbol of the failed Tommy Thompson campaign.