Congressman Ron Paul declared victory tonight after his 5th place finish in the straw poll at Ames, Iowa. While the candidate finished behind Mitt Romney and four others, three of the top four are not serious candidates, and Romney spent ridiculous money.
Paul finished with 9 percent of the vote, well above his normal non-internet polling result of between zero and two percent. Campaign manager Kent Snyder was jubilant at a press conference after the event: "We've shattered the 3% barrier and we're gaining ground on 10%, which would vault us into a new level, and then the mainstream media will have to pay attention to Ron Paul."
Below is a detailed analysis of the candidates in the straw poll, their performance, and what it means for the future of the presidential race, America, the world, and the cosmos:
1. Mitt Romney - This closet polygamist reportedly spent an amount equivalent to the annual GDP of the state of Iowa on this straw poll. The funds were allocated to advertising, busing supporters to the poll, and employing henchmen (including Dastardly, Muttley, the Hooded Claw, the Bully Brothers and the Ant Hill Mob) to harass, deter and annoy Ron Paul supporters. With 4500 votes, Romney spent $100K per vote. He will not be able to sustain this spending on a national level.
2. Mike Huckabee - This huckleberry did an outstanding job with 18% in the poll. The Ron Paul team appreciates this effort in showing that a nobody can get votes. Looks like Huckabee might have put on a few pounds though from all that corn.
3. Sam Brownback - This guy is obviously a queer. Just look at his name. Who would have figured the gay vote would add up to 15%? He will not be able to replicate this on a national level.
4. Tom Tancredo - Well, who would have figured that the immigration issue would be such a big deal in Iowa? It's not even a border state! Obviously Tancredo cheated somehow. Must have been the Diebold machines.
5. Ron Paul - The leader among candidates with two first names. Considering the lack of quality internet access in Iowa, this performance by the Ron Paul team demonstrates an outstanding chance of success in the coming race in New Hampshire and South Carolina, two states known for their broadband.
6. Tommy Thompson - He was so embarrassed at getting beaten by Ron Paul that he dropped out of the race.
7. Fred Thompson - Lost to Ron Paul by a 9-1 margin, despite having a tremendous advantage in free TV airtime.
8. Rudy Giuliani - Also lost to Ron Paul by a 9-1 margin. That's payback for his disrespectful attack on our fearless leader.
9. Duncan Hunter - Second place among candidates with two first names. But both his first names are cheesy anyway.
There were some other guys, but no one cares about them. Oh, wait, we left out John McCain. Nuff said.