Written by Dignan
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Topics: Penis, Viagra, Maryland

Monday, 13 August 2007

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A Maryland man has filed a lawsuit against San Fernando Valley-based Pullulatez LLC, makers of the popular penis enlargement pill Extreme Elephantine. The suit states that Pullulatez claimed in "extremely convincing advertisements that their pills add inches and improve confidence."

Plaintiff Richard "Big Dick" Zwaggerman - filing the suit on 24 June in the Maryland state court - said he paid $49.99 for a 30-day supply of Extreme Elephantine. The pills contain ginseng, oak bark, caffeine, quick-release sulfur coated fertilizer, fluoxetine hydrochloride and other ingredients and are "guaranteed to deliver 2 to 3 inches in length". Within three weeks of taking his first month's supply, Zwaggerman's penis sized increased to an amazing 13 inches in length. Zwaggerman was extremely happy with his initial results, but became alarmed when his penis broke the 20 inch mark.

"At first, I thought God had answered all my prayers. Now I'd give anything to have my 4 inch dick back," comments Zwaggerman.

A US Postal worker in Severna Park, MD (serving carrier route C004, C017, C006 in zip code 21146 -click here for Google Map- ), Zwaggerman must now carry his 4.75 pound, 28.873 inches long (15.91 inches in girth) member in a specially designed cart nick-named "The Pequod." To add further insult to injury, Mr. Zwaggerman must dress his "Moby Dick" in an extra large postal uniform shirt daily.

A recent study by Lifestyles Condom Co. concluded that the average male sex organ is 5.877 inches in length, with a girth of 4.972 inches. Zwaggerman's member is now over 5 times the average penis length, over 3 times the average penis girth, and shows no apparent signs that it will stop growing anytime soon.

"His growth rate has slowed down over 300% since he stopped taking the pills, but that's still 1.4 inches a month! In my 34 years in medicine, I've never seen anything like this," says Dr. Lon Wong of Kent & Queen Anne's Hospital in Chestertown, MD. "An erection that lasts over 15 minutes could kill him."

Zwaggerman's lawyer, Jamal Johnson noted: "My client can't walk down the street without someone laughing. He suffers from public and workplace ridicule daily. There is severe loss of self-esteem, not to mention psychological pain and suffering. Children throw things at him. "

Mr. Zwaggerman will spend the entire month of July confined to a hospital bed at Kent & Queen Anne's Hospital to undergo rigorous testing. Dr. Wong comments "July will be hard on Mr. Zimmerman. I've been on the phone for last few weeks. I've sent pictures to colleagues all over the world. We have experts coming in from Switzerland, Germany and Japan just to get a look at this thing. I know if we can isolate the chemical reaction that triggered the growth hormone to rapidly accelerate, we can slow the growth down to less than an inch a month."

Even with rumors of penile amputation circulating among the staff at Kent & Queen Anne's Hospital, there is a beacon of emotional light on the horizon for Mr. Zwaggerman. Original Unoriginal has learned that fitness guru Richard Simmons has been in regular contact with Mr. Zwaggerman and plans to spend the entire month of July at his hospital bedside.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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