Written by Deanna Goodson
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Topics: Hair, Super Tuesday

Wednesday, 3 March 2004

image for Big-Head Kerry To Walk Away With Democratic Nomination
John Kerry: Eating Like an American

Yesterday was Super Tuesday. The good ole' Democratic boy Superbowl. The candidates were at their politico best. They campaigned so hard that John Kerry's hair actually moved.

"Yup. He's considering suing Aquanet because they promised him --no movement. It's just not fair." A pundit said.

At the end of the day, there were few surprises. Kerry swept it all up. One candidate said, "I wish I could've thought of marrying the Heinz ketchup heir. I'm not saying that the money makes the difference. He's got some great stances on the issues and well, he did have a thing witih an intern. That's hot. It worked so well for Clinton. Okay. Maybe the money does make a difference." He bowed his head and got into his winnebago.

It looks like Kerry is a shoe-in for the Democratic nomination. The country yawns as it waits for his next speech. "He is such a great speaker. He's better than valium. Just like Gore." A young college coed said in between zzz's.

"He speaks Spanish como un americano," one middle-aged hombre said in Texas. "He sounds a lot like Senor Gore.

"Senator Kerry really appreciates all the references to ex-VP Al Gore. It's really cool, at least until the nomination is received. After that, we would appreciate that all references to Gore, heretofore referred to as the LOSER, must ceast. We will get a gag order if we must," one of his campaign managers announced to no one in particular yesterday.

What an exciting race the US has ahead of itself! Kerry vs. Bush in 2004.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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