In the most surprising development of the 2008 presidential campaign to date, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has emerged as the clear frontrunner, outpolling all other candidates from both parties combined. And nobody is more surprised at this than Schwarzenegger himself.
"I always thought that since I wasn't born in the U.S., the Constitution forbids me to become President." Arnold said. "But then I remembered - since when does our government pay any attention to the Constitution any more? It doesn't. Well, that's it then - White House, here I come!"
Endorsements for Arnold have been pouring in like a tidal wave, albeit one that didn't kill 230,000 people in Thailand, rendering this not only a silly analogy but a tasteless one as well. And inaccurate, too, as the correct term is not "tidal wave", it's "tsunami". What does any of this have to do with Schwarzenegger? Absolutely nothing, but I'm getting paid by the word.
The first endorsement came from his uncle by marriage, Ted Kennedy: "Now that Arnold has been through a sex scandal, the Kennedys have finally accepted him as one of our own."
In an exclusive interview from Hell, Reverend Jerry Falwell said, "Arnold's my man! After all, his father was a Nazi, which gives Arnold big credibility with all of us in the religious right."
"Governor Schwarzenegger is uniquely qualified to lead the War on Terror," said Rudy Giuliani in conceding the race. "I mean, Arnold won't be able to find Osama bin Laden either, but at least he can taunt Bin Laden by calling him a 'girly man'. And what other politician can explain the USA PATRIOT Act in its original German?"
Not everyone is happy about the Schwarzenegger juggernaut, however. Alleged comedian and U.S. Senate candidate Al Franken said, "My home state of Minnesota thought it owned the title of 'nation's silliest Governor' when we elected Jesse Ventura - and then along comes Arnold! Man, we are seriously pissed."
Meanwhile, feminists are opposing Schwarzenegger's presidential campaign just as they did his race to become governor, and we all remember how effective THAT was. "We feminists from the 60's are older now, and our armpit hair is streaked with gray." said Anita Goodlay. "But we are just as out of touch with the mainstream as ever. That's why we never notice that every time we attack a candidate, his poll numbers go UP."
"Right on, sister." agreed Ima B. Itch. "Besides, we object to Schwarzenegger's groping women. And we feminists object even more strongly that he never groped US, probably because we have nothing TO grope, as you can plainly see, which is why we became feminists in the first place.", Ima explained, as if anyone gives a shit.
President Bush has avoided commenting on Schwarzenegger, probably because Bush can't pronounce "Schwarzenegger". However, White House Press Secretary Tony Snow speculated that after 8 years of George W. Bush, Americans are used to having a President who mangles the English language.
But just when the Schwarzenegger juggernaut seemed unstoppable, an event occurred which was so unforeseen that...nobody, uh, foresaw it: The U.S. Supreme Court cancelled the 2008 election and appointed Schwarzenegger as the 44th President of the United States.
Chief Justice John Roberts announced it thus: "This court takes notice that Governor Schwarzenegger's countryman Adolf Hitler, although Austrian, was appointed President of Germany. And what legal precedent did that set? Clearly, that every country must appoint an Austrian as its president. To do otherwise is to reject established case law, which would cause the terrorists to win. Therefore, this court orders that Arnold Schwarzenegger is President of the United States. Next case."
"Mr. Chief Justice, I vehemently object to this." said Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg. "The Supreme Court has no authority to thwart the will of the American people by appointing as President a man who was never elected to that office."
"HELLOOOOO?!?! What the fuck do you think we did with Bush back in 2000, skunk-twat?" Roberts fired back. "That makes it a precedent, and precedent is everything to us judicial conservatives, you old hoebag. We've wasted enough time on this already. And I need a good stiff drink. Court is adjourned."
President Schwarzenegger wasted little time celebrating, instead announcing: "Do you remember how Ronald Reagan told many inspiring stories about brave people? And how it turned out those people never existed, and those stories were just scenes from old movies?"
"Well, unlike Reagan I can distinguish between movies and reality. That's why I'm going to prevent September 11th from ever happening by sending a T-4 Terminator robot back in time to kill Osama Bin Laden's mother before she can give birth to him. Trust me, I've had experience with this."
"And while Clinton promised a cabinet that 'looked like America', my cabinet is going to look like ME! Get ready for America's first all - action film star administration! My secretary of defense is Chuck Norris. Secretary of State, Jean-Claude Van Damme. Attorney General, Jackie Chan. For Education, Steven Seagall. Interior, Sylvester Stallone. Homeland Security, Bruce Willis."
"And for the crucial job of Vice President, I've chosen the only other bodybuilder-turned-action star I know of: LOU FERRIGNO!"
After acknowledging the cheers of the crowd, Ferrigno said, "I'm proud to be Vice President. And well-qualified for it, too, since Arnold and I are a natural Number One/Number Two team. After all, I placed second in most of the bodybuilding contests he won. What's that? Yes, I AM an action star! I was 'The Incredible Hulk', remember? That's all for now. I'll take questions later."
A beaming President Schwarzenegger concluded, "Man, I am gonna love this job!"