Written by jbgr
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Friday, 10 August 2007

image for A Deadly Quandary

Florida currently has a Presidential primary set for Jan. 29, 2008. To correct this affront, South Carolina, with a claim to be "first in the South," feels compelled to move their primaries to Jan. 22, 2008.

Iowa, by law, is required to hold their caucuses eight days before New Hampshire's primaries. Inadvertently, Florida has just passed a "Primary Primacy Law" that requires Florida primaries to be held at least two days before New Hampshire.

At this moment, South Carolina is not sure whether to follow in the footsteps of New Hampshire or Iowa or, in a politically neutral move, just split the difference.

Computer models used to schedule the actual primary dates have predicated Global Cooling. (ed: Don't ask me, my degree is in Existential Origami not Comp Sci or climatology.) As a result, those computers had to be terminated with prejudice.

To resolve this impasse, Stephen Hawking was contacted. He warned that this is a well recognized effect known as "Cosmological Infinite Regress." Dr. Hawking predicts that, if unattended, these States will chase each other in an ever diminishing spiral and disappear up their own tails. (That's not exactly what he said but you knew that didn't you?)

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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