New York, New York - According to authorities, a man vacationing in Lima, Peru, was abducted, drugged and taken hostage by a pygmy marmoset monkey just before boarding a plane bound for New York City today. The pygmy marmoset monkey alluded TSA airport security upon entry into the continental US, apparently by posing as a traveling cigarette lighter salesman, while hiding under his male hostage's hat.
"We had no idea it was a monkey," said TSA officials. "We let it pass because it did not match up with any of our racial profiling, had a clean credit report and it was not wearing any shoes."
Reportedly, the pygmy marmoset monkey attempted to board the plane with two carry-on suitcases but was only permitted to board with just one: A carry-on filled with cigarette lighters, which did not elevate the suspicions of the TSA, due to the recent lifting on the ban on cigarette lighters just days ago, and therefore allowed on board.
While the other, filled with hundreds of copies of Al Gore's DVD, "An Inconvenient Truth," was quickly confiscated by the TSA as contraband.
"If it would have tried to board the plane with just one cigarette lighter just a couple of days ago," said a TSA official. "It would have been intercepted and taken into custody and then properly identified as a pygmy marmoset monkey, we're guessing."
It is believed the pygmy marmoset monkey has known terrorist connections with eco-terrorists as it was taken into custody with global warming literature, a copy of the Stern Review and all those Al Gore DVDs, which the TSA discarded.
"We believe we are dealing with a new type of terrorist cell dedicated to carrying out planned coordinated press junkets across the country in the name of the environment by educating the American people with irrefutable scientific evidence," said a spokesman for the White House. "Is there nothing these people won't do?"