Written by Dan H.
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Topics: Money, Crime

Tuesday, 2 March 2004

image for Local Money Laundering Ring Un-Ringed
Lancaster Police detain a Cornstalk Crippler

Pennsylvania-A joint effort of Lancaster County law enforcement agencies was "tipped off" by an insider on the local money laundering ring, in exchange for immunity. "Lancaster County has experienced a rapid increase in crime, especially in teens," reports a corpulent Police Chief Jamerson, 56.

The money laundering ring, ran by a street gang, the Cornstock Cripplers, began in the fall of 2001 when most of the gang were sophomores at Lancaster County High School. "We really did not know what would come out of becoming a gang, it just sounded boss to be called a gang," a distraught ex-gang member "Jonas", 17, recalls. "It all started so harmlessly, just beating nerds for quarters and dollars, petty stuff, until we got the idea of starting a money laundering ring from the Sapranos."

They squeezed out all opposition and held a monopoly on the money laundering business in Lancaster County. From the boys bathroom on the second floor the Cornstock Cripplers ran their ring and spread as their business did. Soon they found themselves laundering on a larger scale, and to keep pace they moved out of their bathroom haunt to the cafeteria. "Business couldn't have been better. Man, we was rolling in the green," Jonas tells. This simple gang of Caucasian country folk, increased it's demographic to include the only black person in the county (even though the fact that James was mulatto, gang members refused to believe so), and in doing so changed their style. The pinstriped suits soon gave way to FUBU jogging outfits and ice.

But all good things have to come to and end, and for the Cornstock Cripplers the end came to a fast and an abrupt halt last Monday. "We were very pleased with the apprehension of the ‘boss' figures in the Cornstock Cripplers," expresses a jubilant Chief Jamerson. The Cripplers were baited by an undercover policeman, who was disguised as a zit-ridden geek. In late lunch S.W.A.T. teams flocked down upon Lancaster High School's cafeteria and took it by storm. Tear gas was dispersed in a more than greedy manor, and the suspects were broken down Rodney King style and taken into custody. The major kingpin figures attempted to escape from the ensuing fiasco and head for Canada, but were seized by waiting guards. The apprehended suspects range in age from 16 to 18. "It is good to get this teen scum off my streets and schools," continues Chief Jamerson, "Even though the Cripplers were disbanded that does not mean that more gangs will come to rural America. My word to perspective gang members: Tupac is dead and you will be too dawgs."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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