Huntington, Utah - (Ass Mess): The Reverend Pat Robertson has been quick to attribute God's wrath on 'perverted fundamentalist Mormon felons such as Warren Jeffs' for today's Utah earthquake which is believed to have triggered a mine collapse, trapping half a dozen coal miners at the Utah American Energy GenWal mine.
"This is just another face of Revelations," Robertson said today as the 4.0 magnitude quake.
"Ah've seen it comin', same as the floods in England and now the pestilence in their farmyards that's eatin' away at the cows and pigs.
"And now in Utah where the godless polygamists are shielded by a wall of heathen silence, this earthquake is the Lord's sign of his utmost displeasure.
"And a warnin' to anybody thinking of votin' in Governor Romney into Capitol Hill next year!"
In Huntington, Emery County sheriff's department confirmed all rescue services were working flat out to save the miners "if a situation exacerbated by Rev Robertson's hellfire damnation rants":
"We don't know if Rev Robertson has or hasn't a hotline to Him Upstairs," the Sherrif said todday, "but it's true that we have had a huge problem here with fundamentalist polygamists such as Warren Jeffs.
"Folks round here are mighty superstitious as it is and I ain't too happy with them bein' told their sodomising activities with under-age minors are the cause of the Almighty's displeasure today.
"Earthquakes happen. Same as shit. You just have to take it whenever it turns up."
The Sherrif's department later added that there was no connection between the coal miners trapped 3,000 feet underground at Huntington and the under-age minors that local fundamentalist Mormons like to tamper with by way of a hobby.
"Just thought we'd better clear that one up...."