In a stunning show of presidential initiative, George W. Bush has ordered his military to capture Osama bin Laden. Presidential watchers were flabbergasted at the order. "We were all sitting around wondering how we could make the war on terrorism successful and suddenly the President said, "I want bin Laden captured." said Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, "It was amazing, like a light suddenly went on over all our heads. Capture bin Laden. Damn, we had never thought of that. That's why George Bush is our leader. What a man."
Democrat hopeful John Kerry said in a written statement that " Now that President Bush has clearly defined the War on Terrorism, I see no reason for me or anyone else to run against him and I call on all Americans to give their unwavering support to George Bush and do whatever he says."
John Edwards has offered to give up his presidential bid and work for the Bush 04 campaign. The Reverend Al Sharpton has said that he will call upon all minorities to support George Bush and Dennis Kucinich has gone one step farther. " With George Bush as the Father of America it's obvious that Terrorism is doomed, but there are other problems facing this country...poverty, a lack of adequate health care and a poor job market. If all Democrats, Liberals, Blacks and Hispanics kill themselves, then these problems will be resolved as well. This will make America the Republican Eden that George Bush has envisioned. He deserves our help and I will be the first one to drink the Kool Aid if that will help. Long Live George II !"