Written by Jean Le Fete
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Sunday, 5 August 2007

image for United Airlines to Experiment with Parachutes!
Passengers will have to parachute at "non-hub" cities

Unanimous Airlines (UA) announced more cost cutting moves today to save the struggling airline. High fuel prices and difficult schedules have all lead to airlines running off schedule and facing financial difficulties.

To counter this trend UA will experiment with not be landing at minor hub airports, such as St. Louis and Indianapolis. Instead, passengers will be forced to parachute to their final destination. United will continue to serve airports in St. Louis and Indianapolis, offering departures with their new fleet of Cub Piper aircraft.

The Cub Pipers are actually aircraft from the 1960s, which United purchased wholesale and has refitted with new energy efficient wind up engines. They utilize new synthetic rubber bands capable of withstanding 2000lbs of pressure. With a range of only 300 to 500 miles they must stop to be wound up often.

"We realize these changes will mean more inconvenience for our customers," said a UA spokesperson, "But frankly who gives a damn? Nobody else in the industry out there is offering customer service, if they did they's probably clean up."

When asked why United didn't try customer service as an approach, the spokesperson said, "We simply don't need it. This is a business and we have to watch after our bottom line."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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