Here in the nation's capital of New Mecca (formerly Washington D.C.) the United States formally surrendered to Terror today, with the inauguration of President Osama bin Laden.
After officially changing the country's name to the Islamic Republic of Americastan, President bin Laden delivered a rousing speech, concluding: "We owe our victory to your troop-hating cut-and-run Democratic Party of the Jackass. Their cowardly unwillingness to stay the course gave us terrorists the courage we needed to win in Iraq, and therefore worldwide.
"And credit must also be given to our control of ABC, CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, the New York Times and every other American news outlet except FOX. They admirably obeyed our secret orders to report such treasonous things as Iraq's having no WMDs, no connection with 9/11, and that the only winner in the Iraq war was Al Qaeda. All of which, while completely true, would have been left unsaid by any real American patriot. Praise Allah!"
Outgoing President George W. Bush said in his concession speech, "You fools! I warned you this would happen! If only everyone had blindly obeyed me and my trusted subordinate Jesus Christ, America would have defeated Terror. But no! You..." Mr. Bush chose to abruptly end his remarks at that point, a decision which experts think may have had something to do with his getting beheaded.
Reaction from other political insiders was more muted. Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said: "How could we have been so stupid? If Americans had just put more of those yellow-ribbon thingies on our SUVs, ordered 'freedom fries' with our cheeseburgers, and refrained from laughing at all those Bush jokes, our nation would still be free today." Bill Clinton added, "I blame myself for this. If only I had SMOKED my cigar, 9/11 never would have happened."
In another development, the population of the former America has increased five-fold with the arrival of the world's 1.25 billion Muslims, all of whom were transported here by the well-known Islamic Terrorist Navy and Air Force.
Slowly, the people of Americastan are adjusting to their new way of life. "At first, it really bothered me that bin Laden was never elected President by the American people." said one Chicago-area man. "But then I remembered, Bush wasn't either. Oh well..." Other changes have been noted - wearing of the burkha is now mandatory for all females [although sales of the swimwear version, the burkhini, have been inexplicably slow]. A motorist in Los Angeles, caught speeding, got his gas-pedal foot amputated. And on the reality show "Muslim Idol" judge Simon Cowell expressed his displeasure with a contestant's performance by flogging him while shouting "Zionist infidel swine! Your singing is an insult to Allah!"
But in perhaps the oddest development, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security was abolished and replaced by the Taliban. There have been no recorded complaints, however, apparently because nobody can notice any difference.