President George W. Bush has appointed David Kay to head a special team of investigators to search for evidence of his service in the Texas Air National Guard.
Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse said, "David has a lot of experience searching for things that aren't there so, who better? Plus, If we can get him interested in doing this, maybe he'll keep his mouth shut about the WMD's."
David Kay was quoted as saying, "It's going to be a long, dangerous job requiring skill at seeing through lies, obfuscation and out and out fraud. We expect that our inspectors will be intimidated and threatened and our minders will try to misdirect us in a way that will make our work in Iraq look like a trip to Disneyworld. But that's America."
Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of more anonymity said, "See? That's exactly what I'm talking about. This guy is a time bomb. Sometimes I think that David is a little bit of a subversive, not a Democrat exactly, but a loose cannon nonetheless."
Mr. Kay, speaking on the condition that his credibility is so damaged that no one will ever believe anything he says ever again said, "Look, I know what I said about WMD's in Iraq before the war and what I said about them after the war and I believe both statements were true. I mean, if Bush can say that Conservatives are compassionate then I can say two diametrically opposite statements and be able to get away with it."
George W. Bush, speaking on the condition that he gets re-elected said, "I want this investigation to be honest, above board and above all I want it to clear me, no matter what the actual evidence says. There's an election to win damn it."