Written by Deanna Goodson
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Topics: Washington, church

Friday, 27 February 2004

image for Church Says Abuse Cases Not So Common As You'd Think
Thomas Dupre: One of the Substantiated Abuse Cases

Washington, DC -- Today, an important council of Bishops released a study which said that in the past 40 years only 10,000 or so cases of abuse have been reported. Of those cases, about 40% may have been unsubstantiated.

"See. It's not as big a deal as everyone thought. Not every priest is a child molester. Half of the people 'molested' weren't even boys. Na, na, na, boo, boo." One cleric, who had nothing to do with the study, mentioned as he was waltzing off to prison to start serving his term for abuse.

"This issue has become the Church's not-so-secret shame. It's worse than that whole the Passion of the Christ controversy." A press secretary for someone said, at a screening of the video about the press conference. Ironically, it was shown after a screening of the Passion of the Christ to talk people down.

"This video is a great cure for insomnia. It's a bunch of clerics arguing about whether 1 or 3% of priests are molesters. Ho hum a doodle," Father Joe Schmolonski, from an undisclosed parish in the Northeast said.

"It's about as fascinating as watching paint dry or being at Vatican II. Vatican II was no Woodstock, let me tell you." He continued as he puffed on an undetermined brand of smelly cigarette.

Anyway, the report itself is flawed. The Clerics don't deny that because, society itself is flawed. It does not take into account the lag time in reporting abuse cases from the time that they occurred either.

"We just didn't feel that those issues were important. I mean, they would really bump up the numbers, wouldn't they? Besides, we are the Church. We deal in cold, hard facts only. We don't take anything on faith," a spokesperson from the Council, who would rather remain nameless, said.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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