"I was a little surprised by the charges of malpractice," said long-time Connecticut tree surgeon Gary Minnowitz, "I've always provided my patients with the best possible care, and I just plain love trees - sometimes physically. It's damned confusing. They don't exactly have central nervous systems, which gives me the quiet suspicion that these trees didn't think this up on their own."
Hartford native and little-known political activist, Allan Quibble, will represent the disgruntled foliage. "Certain people are accusing me of doing this for the money," said the 47 year-old attorney/medical marijuana lobbyist, "and I just want those people to know, that even though the man I'm suing is a self-employed professional, he earns about as much per year as Sir Richard Branson - if Sir Richard Branson was a dyslexic waitress only working Tuesdays, that is."
Quibble lit a poorly rolled cigarette and continued, "I think that old saying is true, 'you can't squeeze money out of a poor-ass tree surgeon.' In this case I won't even try - it's about the principle. It's about universal care for all trees, not just trees who've taken root on a rich person's property. This lawsuit is about all of the trees Dr. Minnowitz didn't treat."
With the suit, Quibble hopes to raise awareness about the lack of medical insurance coverage for "America's most disenfranchised citizens." He is urging Congress to expand Medicaid to include trees, which he assures is a natural fit because trees typically earn "very little income." Quibble is not, however, advocating the inclusion of older trees into Medicare, saying "that may be a little far fetched."
"Things have to change," declared Quibble as he embraced a nearby oak. "For one, we only seem to care about trees if they're abnormally sized - a tree has to be a giant redwood in California or a tiny Japanese bonsai for anyone to actually give a crap about it. Just imagine if it was the same way with humans. Yao Ming and Gary Coleman would rule the world like Consuls of the Roman Empire, distributing basketballs and over-used one-liners to the impoverished masses like cake. Would you want to live in a world like that? I know I wouldn't."