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Topics: NASA

Saturday, 28 July 2007

image for NASA Opens Astronauts Anonymous Chapter
"Hi, I'm Dave..."

Cape Canaveral, FL (IP) - NASA has opened up a new chapter of Astronauts Anonymous (AA) in Houston and at Cape Canaveral. The central theme of the newly formed organization is called count down to sobriety and is a ten step program designed to insure quasi-sobriety among NASA's highly trained crews. The astronauts start with the 10th step and work their way down to step zero.

NASA is also installing a device in the Space Shuttle's ignition system which includes a tube that the astronauts have to blow into and the alcohol content on the astronaut's breath must read no more than .09 in order for the shuttle's engines to ignite.

This has drawn vigorous protests from the Mexican Shuttle Ignition Technicians Union (MSHITU) who have been put out of work by the new system. The Mexican workers were given long stick matches used to light a long string of fire cracker fuses under the shuttle's solid fuel strap-on engines to achieve ignition. The shuttle's main engines need no ignition device because they operate on a mixture of LOX and liquid hydrogen and ignition is achieved through hypergolic action.

They used Mexicans because of their ability to run like hell as they had to put as much distance between the shuttle's engines and themselves before ignition. This also involved having the Mexicans jump fences and cross acoustic energy absorption ditches full of water in close proximity to the shuttle's engines. Mexicans are well known for their adeptness at such things. Mexicans are also well known for their ability to work on old engines and would often lend a hand on shuttle engine repairs.

MSHITU spokesperson Alejandro Rodriguez Gonzalez Jimenez Sanchez Gustavo Zapata Innocente Lopez Castillo Costello Infante Jesus Mario Arnez Conquistadore Fidelito Pancho de la Mancha de su Madre was asked what he thought about the new anti-drunk ignition blow tube and he replied in a thick Mexican-American accent : "We dong need no steenkeeng anti-drunk eegneetiong blow tube and we dong need no steenkeeng NASA badges". Just then an immigration van pulled up and the MSHITU members took off so fast that even NASA's laser powered theodolitic tracking system was unable to keep up with their swift escape and they easily passed a herd of deer that was being chased by a Florida panther.

One NASA engineer was heard saying that the Mexicans would be sorely missed. An astronaut standing nearby wisely pointed out that the whole AA program was a waste of time because the real difference between a drunk and an alcoholic is that drunks don't have to attend all of those meetings.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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