CCN (Crazy Cal News) - Washington - Today, President George W. Bush presided over Lindsay Lohan's trial and gave her a full pardon, but left the fine intact. Although the President of the United States doesn't usually preside over courtroom hearings, it is not beyond his current scope of power.
"Lindsay Lohan should not be criminul... cremunul... be considered a criminal for using Cocaine," said the president. "She's settin' a gud exampul fer Ameruhcan teenagurs. More teens shuld be using Cocaine and supportin' are CIA instead of smokin' that wacky weed an' eatin pot brownines. Ya' jest kain't make a gud profit off that wacky weed. The dang stuff grows wild!"
When asked why he left the fine intact, President Bush replied, "Heh, heh... that goes in mah pockit. Ah gotta make sumthin' fer takin' thuh time outa mah busy schedul ta preside over this here court hearin'."