"We knew it was bad when the kids told us they knew their 'ABG's'," senior analyst Paul Wellmark of the Institute For Minor Education said, Tuesday.
The results are in. The study; a comprehensive assessment of the level of education of children between the ages of 5 and 10 or elementary school aged children. While 2% ranked in the Average category, most students were ranked Total Fricken' Idiots. In fact, 78% were in the TFI category.
Teachers and parents are understandably angry. Penguins are also angry which is less understandable.
In response to the first question, "Can you write your name with precedence?" most students wrote down the name of a famous U.S. President. "While clever, this was not the correct answer so we deducted points." said Joey Frouteigleier, a random man with a French sounding name.
While the results are befuddlingly evident of a breakdown in the U.S. public education system, researchers say there is hope. "We haven't yet explained the penguin connection or who Joey Frouteigleier is." said Wellmark (from the top of the article, remember?).
"Oui." said Frouteigleier "No one knows who I am. I am ze mystery that is ze answer to zis difficult equation."
When asked why he was speaking with a French accent, Mr. Frouteiglglglierrrrerererer said he was responsible for bread products in a small hamlet and couldn't be bothered with questions.
The education department is planning a review of its hiring procedures and hopes to have the rest of the phony European sounding bakers removed from their payrolls by the end of the month. "Mmm.. rolls." said Froutilgigierieirer