June 21, 2007 Ed Soks, General Manager of LA Animal Services R Us, sent out a press release stating that they will only accept animals from the public during a small inconvenient window of time midweek. He did this in the hopes of reducing his euthanasia rate by reducing the number of animals entering the shelter. He did however provide helpful and colorful literature on pet care and the phone numbers of private rescue groups who are too busy to even answer the phone.
Instantly the number of euthanasias in the shelters went down dramatically even though the number of animals dumped on the streets increased by that same amount. Soks gleefully stated that he "saved" hundreds of animals with this new policy. He bragged triumphantly of his success on his blog stating, "If only I'd known that just refusing to do my job would improve my euthanasia rate, I would have refused to work the second I got here! Who knew?"
Not to be outdone by the City dog catcher, the Chiefs of the Police Department and Fire Department have decided to jump on the bandwagon. Chief Brattown just sent out a press release stating that they will not respond to domestic violence calls on the weekends, at night or on holidays. Instead he will direct 911 operators to tell callers to go to their website to read articles about positive domestic relationships. He will also give them the email address of Ann Landers so they can send her an email asking her for relationship advice.
In order to improve Police Officer safety, they will also stop responding to any calls about people brandishing weapons, in the act of killing people or armed robbery, unless of course the caller is a City Official or major campaign donor of Mayor Antonio Banderas. He reassured the public that they will still participate in parades, arrange press conferences and attend meetings in City Hall.
Since Brattown enacted these new policies two days ago, domestic violence is down 75% and violent crime is down 98%! Brattown stated "I thought refusing to take police reports would help my statistics but this new policy is even better! LA now has the lowest crime level in any city in the entire world!"
Upon hearing this news Mayor Banderas called a press conference and congratulated himself heartily while flashing his infamous glowing white smile. Journalists then only asked him questions about his girlfriend, local journalista Mirthala Salinas. Antonio responded to the questions sharply with "she's not pregnant!" and "l'm not changing my name back to Villar!" while running to his black SUV muttering to himself in English.
Keeping pace with the Police Department, Chief Douglas Barry of the LA Fire Department released his own press release about progressive new policies. He stated that they will no longer be responding to or reporting fires accidentally caused by the homeowner, faulty electrical wiring or children playing with matches, unless of course the caller is a major donor to the Fireman's fund.
Since Barry enacted these new policies reported fires are down 90% and firefighter injures are down 93%! Chief Barry stated "Ed Soks is a genius! Who knew you could reduce fires just by not responding to or reporting them!"
Mayor Antonio again called a press conference to announce this spectacular news. He again congratulated himself heartily then local reporters only asked him questions about his private life, to which he responded "we're not getting married!" and "leave me the crap alone!" while running down Spring Street narrowly missing being hit by the new Red Line bus.
Next week we expect similar press releases from other Los Angeles City Departments who want to improve their performance statistics. Soon Los Angeles will not only be NoKill for animals but also NoCrime and NoFire.