Written by Denny Johnson
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Topics: America, al-Qaeda

Monday, 23 February 2004

The deadly dog, cat and mouse game with the Taliban and Al Qaeda in America has literally hit home in America.

The Vice President's news and information bureau held a press conference Sunday and read a statement issuing a decree ordering that most domestic pets are now banned in the U.S. and must be euphemized by Wednesday.

They're all spies," said the vice-president in a prepared statement read by his bureau spokesmen. "I grew up on my family's Wyoming Ranch wearing a cow-boy hat and riding my own pony so I think I know a little more about animals then you do, and what I can tell you is they always got too much attention from my father and mother."

"We were never allowed to have pets in the ranch house, never, it was forbidden," said Cheney in the statement.

"That's when I first discovered that the house pets were in "ca-hoots" together with the pigs and steers and the horses out on the ranch," said Cheney, "I hated going to the Ranch in the summer -- they always made me wear shorts, and, that's when my father started calling me "Butterball."

"We know -- and we now have the positive proof somewhere -- that domestic pets and rabbits and ducks have been plotting away against us long before this war about terror was never planned -- Especially the cats -- they are very sneaky and slinky. They cannot be trusted al all -- I always hated cats."

A spokesman for Cheney's office, Josef Goebbels, VII. told the news conference that "Spot" the White House dog is dead, and the first casualty of this new initiative.

"We put-him-down immediately when the edict was issued," announced Goebbels. "Spot was spending an undue amount of time following around the Vice-President to sensitive meetings during his infrequent visits to the White House. "Not only did she have fleas, a rash and a broken collar, but she was sniffing around about his pants legs," said Goebbels. Very peculiar."

"At first we believed maybe the vice-president had perhaps stepped in something, but after we smelled his cowboy boots (which is my job,)" we realized that they were cleaner than a Berlin train-whistle, -- and the dog was obviously up to something.

And then, it was discovered when we examined her papers, that they were not in order. She was simply a mutt. She owned no pedigree.

"From now on only trained German Shepard dogs with proper papers will be permitted inside the White House gates, added Goebbels.

In a separate statement The White House confirmed that, "Spot," President George Bush's English Springer spaniel was eliminated over the weekend after "sniffing around" other administration officials' pants legs and nylons and bumping into doors as she made her way around the White House.

The White House said in the statement that: "President and Mrs. Bush and the entire Bush family are deeply saddened by the passing of Spot. We believed she was a loyal and loving companion until we found out she was spying."

The White House revealed that the remainder of the White House pets, including the President's personal collection of turtles, five Prime Texas Long-horned-toads, and two other Presidential dogs used as "doubles" for Spot: Spit and Spat, were also eradicated over the weekend.

Goebbels said that only the First Lady's four Gerbils, John, Paul, George, and Dingo, and her two pet parakeets, Moose and Rachel will be allowed on the White House grounds.

Spot was a beloved member of the Bush family, for nearly 15 years. She will be missed," said the White House statement. "But this is a war, and in a war there are invariably causalities -- it's a sacrifice we all have to make."

Washington historians suggest that Spot was unique among presidential pets, having been the only animal to call the White House dog-house her home and sniffing around the grounds during two different administrations and under, or around two different presidents.

Spot's biographical entry on the White House website says that her full name was Spot Fetcher, but there are no records to confirm that she ever fetched a spot -- or a Frisbee.

The President said Spot had a "wonderful, privileged life" -- saying "that only a tiny percentage of dogs in the world enjoy frequent helicopter rides or Secret Service protection."

Ducks, Geese, and Rabbits are "especially dangerous, according to the Vice President, who is also renowned for establishing the Elmer Fudd Duck Hunter's Club.

"They, [the Ducks] were always up to something with their yapping, and quacking, and ducking around biting at my bare ankles. At the Ranch when I pitched a rock or an empty beer can at them, they were always mocking me. I learned the hard way -- the only way to handle these birds is with a double-barrel Remington," Cheney said.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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