Andrews, North Carolina (IP) - North Carolina Governor Bruno Newthead began the press conference by stating that being trailer park trash (TPT) is merely a state of mind and that simply living in a trailer park did not automatically make a person TPT. He reminded those present that many folks live in fancy large brick homes and are indeed TPT.
The governor invited TPT everywhere to move to North Carolina because the natural death rate and the influx of Floridians and New Yorkers into the state is thinning out the ranks of the native TPT. He also thanked Floridians and other newcommers for showing the NC natives how to properly go about doing things but that long standing TPT traditions have to be preserved.
He listed the following as examples of TPT behavior which needs to be practiced for posterity's sake:
- The throwing out of trash, pampers, and litter onto the beautiful rural roadsides - especially in the mountains. And the dumping over the side of cliffs of appliances such as washers, dryers, and old TV sets among other things.
- The creation of new private junk yards where people keep every car they ever owned and allow the leakage of oil, battery acid, lead compounds, and other toxic compounds into streams that flow into larger bodies of water.
- Maintaining the largest KKK population in the USA.
- Dog fighting and cock fighting.
- Hunting bears with the use of pitbulls which maul the bear and get mauled in return.
- Abandoning animals on the side of the road - in particular dogs which can no longer hunt, as well as puppies and kittens. These dogs almost always form packs which attack animals and people.
- Creation and maintenance of methamphetamine labs.
He finished by thanking North Carolinians for their terrible work ethics and their fondness of welfare and food stamps and told them to keep up the good job and he urged them to continue their rude attitudes and hypocrisy towards newcommers. He promised to keep NC 48th in education and thanked rural areas for their terrible medical services.