Brattleboro, Vermont will no longer be the happy, bouncy little town it once was. In a 3 to 2 vote, the town council voted to ban nudity within the city limits. This ban includes people going naked on main roads, in public areas, or within 250 feet of a church or school. As all of the towns churches, schools, and business districts all have public restroom facilities, this will have to change.
For the town's purposes, nudity will be described as the exposure of the genitalia, buttocks, or female breasts (breast feeding will be allowed, but only for children under the age of two).
"Shoppers in the downtown area will not longer be able to stroll casually through the streets, letting it all hang out. They will, instead, be forced to wear restrictive, confining clothing that removes their individuality and restricts their freedom of expression," said Mark Wetnaps of the A.C.L.U.. "Girlwatching in this town has long been a tradition, and with this new law, that rite of passage and longstanding practice is being taken away!"
"We plan on representing the disenfranchised citizens in this town in their right to look at a nice rack or scratch their own balls in public. We want those high school kids to be able to drive down the street and moon people at random. Hanging a ham out a window is something that should be protected by the constitution, and that is what the American Civil Liberties Union stands for!"
Motels and hotels within city limits immediately begin boarding up bathrooms and cancelling in room movie services. Joe's Live Nudes Girls Girls Girls will now require g-strings and pasties. The passion pit at the local drive in movie theatre announced plans to go out of business due to expected drop in customers.
There is no joy in Battlesboro. Motels, titty bars, theatres, and dark alleys in Russellberg, ten miles away, however, have invited all who feel scorned to come to their town!