Written by ranger121
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Wednesday, 18 July 2007

image for Winona finally speaks: "It was all a mistake"

After 6 years of silence, Winona Ryder has finally spoken out about THAT shoplifting episode, when she was caught red-handed with her pants round her ankles, and her sticky fingers in the till.

"I made a bad mistake," she said, "When I hadn't noticed where the security cameras were. What you have to do, you see, is case the shop out first, find out where the cameras and the guards are, rather than just steaming in nicking stuff. It really was very embarrassing, being shown up for being an amateur thief. But there again I haven't been caught since, and I got lots of goodies last time I was in Saks."

Allegedly, Ryder has been barred from Saks, but has taken to wearing cunning disguises.

"I get blacked up, sometimes, because nobody challenges you if you're black. Or, if I'm after something really special, I get dressed up as that awful Beckham woman. Nobody takes any notice of her, either."

Her fence, Harry "Fingers" Swagshifter, said, "She comes in with some real crap, some days. It's just junk. Poxy old dresses that I wouldn't give houseroom to. Some of the handbags she nicks aren't worth the leather, either. But, just on occasion, she brings in something well worth the wait. like last week, she had that 42" plasma TV shoved up her jumper. Well worth it, that one."

Winona has now got some films in the pipeline, if she can remember how to act, and at the same time keep her sticky fingers off the camera gear.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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