PLUNKER, WV- Local area farm hand Cletus Rimmer, has applied to the courts for a restraining order against his neighbor's sheep 'Snowflake'. Rimmer claims he fears for his personal safety and no longer feels secure walking home from the local bar after dark.
In his petition, Rimmer accuses Mr. J.J. McWillie's lithesome ewe 'Snowflake' of making unwanted advances of a lewd and sexual nature on several separate occasions. He went on to state that he and the lascivious ovine first became acquainted on an enchanting, sun drenched, spring afternoon sometime in 2003 as he was helping Mr. McWillie sheer his flock.
He claimed that while holding 'Snowflakes' pretty little head as his employer defleeced her, she looked up at him with her big, deep, brown eyes, fluttered her long lashes at him and nuzzled him in a provocative fashion. He went on to state that on the same occasion, as he was holding her by her full, round, firm and fully packed hind quarters for McWillie to finish the job, she backed up coyly and proceeded to heave and undulate in an unseemly and wanton manner.
He stated that on a separate occasion, a warm, star lit, spring evening several years later, that as he was taking a short cut home from 'The Hammered Squirrel', the local bar and grill, she accosted him again. On that occasion she appeared out of the night like a radiant, gossamer, moonlit vision, her rich creamy fleece glowing with an eery inner flame. He tried to run away, but as the sweet, seductive scent of fresh cut hay filled his nostrils, he knew he couldn't escape.
His chest heaving and his breath coming in quick hot measure, the licentious, immodest undulate, finally cornered him in a secluded hollow. Cornered and spent, she held him in her amorous gaze. Her eyes, blazing orbs of passion, spoke of what was to come. Hidden from the prying eyes of the world she over powered him and tried to slip her dainty cloven hooves into the gapping top of his rubber boots.
Mr. Rimmer was unclear as to what happened next, as it appears the ordeal was just too much for his system and he fainted. The next thing he remembers is waking up in the morning, his rubber boots in tatters, with his coveralls down around his ankles and smelling faintly of mutton.
Mr. Rimmer's wife Ida was present at the proceedings and joined with her husband in expressing the opinion that no man should be forced to endure such treatment and hoped that the court would find in her husband's favor.