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Topics: Health, Death, Doctors

Friday, 13 July 2007

image for Surgeon General Warns: We Are All Going to Die
Alligators are hazardous to your health

Atlanta, GA (IP) - The Surgeon General has picked Friday 13th to issue a dire warning that we are all going to die.

He issued a partial list of what may cause our expiration: Still birth, childhood diseases, drowning, shooting, murder, suicide, execution, war, cancer, malaria, AIDS, wrong medications prescribed, bicycle accident, car accident, falling off of tall objects, airplane crashes, railroad disasters, terror attacks, falling into a deep hole, quick sand, fire, smoke inhalation, industrial accidents, going to work, staying home, anger, fighting, VD, alcohol poisoning, accidental poisoning, food poisoning, carnival rides, falling on a knife, allergic reactions, snake bite, insect bites, sports accidents, attending a soccer game, explosions, riots, garage door accidents, hurricanes, typhoons, tornados, lightning, earthquake, landslides, hot air balloon malfunction, chain saws, electric shock, choking on fish and chips, cholesterol, stroke, driving off of a bridge, stepping into empty elevator shaft, jealous spouse, sleep walking. Viagra, getting hit on the head with a rock, cuts, sting ray barb, shark attack, alligator bite, buggery, and sleeping on the railroad tracks.

He sheepishly admitted that there are definitely two things that have never killed anybody : smoking weed and anxiety attacks so relax.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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