(Beaumerde-Arkansas) The Brothers of the Ku Klux Klan announced yesterday that they would be implementing a diversity program to increase membership. In a statement posted on the Klan's website, www.yesweklan.org, National Grand Dragon, Emmet Kelly Harmon, declared "the brothers of the Ku Klux Klan will now accept brothers." They will also actively engage in the recruitment of "Indians, the war paint and other kind; middle easterners as long as they're not Osama bin Laden and Italo-Americans but only if they're not too dark skinned." The statement stopped short of a total open door policy, ending with "bitches still need not apply. Thank you."
In a phone interview from his trailer, Kelly-Harmon said the decision was not one of abandoning the Klan's mission to "kill the mongrel races" but one of practicality. "Enrollment has been dipping since the passage of The Civil Rights Act of 1965; and when Roots came out on DVD well-doggies, that was a hay-maker." Internal factors also played a part. "You wouldn't think it to look at us, but most of us aren't too keen on longevity on account of the inbreeding."
Kelly-Harmon admitted that the existing membership would have to adapt. "My cousin, Delray Montieth-Kelly-Harmon loves to use this joke after our annual beach barbecue 'Hey Emmet Kelly-Harmon, smile so I can see you?' Now, he'll have to get some new material, but it was getting kind of tired." Other aspects of Klan nomenclature will not have to change. "Who would have thought that 150 years ago when we used to say 'my nigger' we were the first rappers? Now we can say that again to our new members' faces!"
All in all, Kelly-Harmon believes the move toward affirmative action will benefit the Klan in the future. "Take my Klavern as an example. No one could make a decent pot of collard greens and, obviously, we couldn't ask the African Americans we would invite to our gatherings-if you get my meaning. Another thing, I always wanted to know is it 'parmesan' or 'parmagiano'? When asked what the recruitment pitch to men of color to don the white robe would be, Kelly-Harmon quickly answered: "We have a great group medical plan."
FUN FACT:The Ku Klux Klan has never had a person of color as a member. It shares that honor with Dick Cheney's hunting club.