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Topics: Global Warming

Monday, 9 July 2007

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Hotlana, GA (IP) - The entire staff of the Climate Channel resigned today in a mass protest over working conditions and disgust over recent and evolving changes in programming.

Jim Kantoree is the only reporter to remain at work out of the entire group. Asked to explain what they thought was so terrible he replied, while choking back the tears, that the Climate Channel had lost its way and was becoming an entertainment channel rather than reporting the weather. He said that for almost a quarter of a century that folks could tune in the Climate Channel and actually see what kind of weather was headed their way.

This would usually happen when viewers had just arrived home from work. Now these same viewers were disappointed and even frightened to find that instead of the latest radar and satellite loop showing impending storms that tunning in the Climate Channel only resulted in sleep and nausea inducing shows like "Stormy Stories", and "It Probably Won't Happen Tomorrow" (nor ever for that matter) and that these were shown over and over and over again.

Characteristic of these shows were speakers who spoke in monotonic voice and repetitive electronic drum beats that interfere with the useless and inane drivel which the robot like speakers issue forth like so much verbal diarrhea. Speaking of which perhaps what the Climate Channel actually needs is a sort of enema which would purge its ranks of incompetent program directors and other useless over paid higher ups.

Another problem cited by Jim was the repetitive music which drives the dwindling audience out of their minds and commercial and other banners strewn and projected across the TV screen of which there are so many that they actually block the view of entire cities when finally a radar or satellite image is shown for a few micro seconds. The women announcers also can't keep their legs together and are in a perpetual state of pregnancy and their enlarged bellies also block the view of the weather maps. He has suggested installing free prophylactic machines in both the men's and women's bathrooms.

He said he would not bore us with other details like the disgusting and not funny nor cute "apply directly to the forehead" commercials that play every 15 seconds nor the cookie cutter appearance of every reporter nor how they all bob their heads up and down in a very unnatural way while talking nor how they pretend to shuffle and organize the blank sheets of paper in their hands at the end of each segment, etc, etc, ad nausea.

Asked why he thought these changes had occurred Jim answered that the repetitive shows meant less people would have to be paid for their work when instead of live reporters the Climate Channel could just keep re-airing the same old worn out hog wash. At this point Jim received a call and told us he had to run off and cover a hurricane blowing in from the Gulf. He said that was the easiest job of all which entailed hiding behind the wall of a huge building until the winds reached the frightening speed of 27 miles an hour at which time he and his crew would go hide in the hotel lounge and get drunk out of their minds and try to pick up the local bimbo bar flies.

As he left a small Chevy van stopped in front of the Climate Channel offices and about 70 Mexicans (God bless them) filed out of the vehicle. They had come to replace all of the staff which had walked out.

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