Print this

Wednesday, 4 July 2007

image for Bush Revives Military Draft
"A draft? Well, why don'cha shut the door, son?!"

Washingdung (IP) - President Bush announced today that due to the squandering of America's troops in Iraq that he has no choice but to revive the military draft as of this Monday. In a rare moment of candor he admitted that being raised in a billionaire oil family had made him an extreme patrician in his attitudes towards the common man and that he will make sure that the sons and daughters of the wealthy will all be included in the draft lists during this latest American military quagmire.

Asked exactly what he meant by this he would go on to explain that during the Vietnam quagmire not one son of any American politician serving in any of the three branches of government died in Vietnam. First though he insisted on telling a joke wherein he quipped that you can not spell quagmire without I.R.A.Q. "hehehehe"....

At this point he admitted that when draft boards were set up for the Vietnam war that a system had been created where the wealthy could call draft board members privately and have their sons excluded from the possibility of being sent to fight in the jungles of Vietnam. These draft board members were paid handsomely in cash or in political favors and there was always a lot of competition and scrambling going on among folks trying to get a seat on these boards.

Indeed a close look at all of the members of Bush's cabinet and propaganda minister Rush Limpbow reveals that none of these people served in Vietnam and that is why they are sometimes referred to as chicken hawks. This implies that they were too "chicken" to fight in battle but conversely are very hawkish and very brave when it comes to sending other people's kids off to die or be maimed in wars.

Bush apologized over the fact that in the past war and prison were for the working classes only and sending rich kids off to war would make amends for the military half of the equation and that he was instructing his hand picked Republican prosecutors all over the nation to also start sending rich kids to prison when they are convicted of crimes instead of allowing the cases to disappear.

In a related development Bush has pardoned all of the low ranking soldiers who were used as scapegoats for abusing Iraqi prisoners and has initiated prosecutions against the highest ranking officers of the military and against politicians and other operatives who are actually directly responsible for the acts of perversion committed at Abu Gotrape and other facilities.

Asked why he has chosen to reverse so many long standing and odious injustices he replied that there has been so much corruption and hypocrisy among Republicans dating all the way back to the Nixon administration that he felt that this would be but a first step in a long healing process and hopefully put somewhat of a positive spin on his record in the footnotes of history. He promised that in the following days he would address such topics as the theft of the last two elections which have made a joke out of the term "American Democracy", and he promised to return billions of dollars in cash, gold, and treasure stolen from Iraq's palaces and museums and that he would attend at least one dead American G.I.'s funeral before the war is over. He confessed that he had been a military deserter during the Vietnam war even though he had successfully been allowed to hide in the Texas National Guard and that had always made him feel like he was hiding under his mother's dress while 75,000 boys died in the name of corporate profits.

He did not stop there because as reporters started walking away from the increasing RPM's of the presidential helicopter's blades he was sobbing and babbling on about his father's role in the assassinations of JFK, RFK, MLK, and others as well as orchestrating Republican attacks against Clinton and Vietnam Vets who ran for office as Democrats, the outing of a CIA agent, signing death warrants in Texas in questionable cases, and how during the last two elections Kerry was really nothing but a shill for Bush and so was Gore.

It seems that Kerry and Bush were both members of a secretive Yale society known as the skull and bones club and how Gore had picked a Jewish running mate knowing full well how many Americans were inclined to vote against such a candidate.....

Make drugtestallpoliticians's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story


Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!


What's 1 multiplied by 3?

2 8 3 18
48 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more